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“Right here.” He guides my head to lay against his chest and then slowly starts swaying to the music so far in the distance that I can’t even make out what song it is.
Honestly, it doesn’t much matter. We could be slow dancing to the most upbeat song in the world, and it wouldn’t make a difference right now. Because this, being with Sebastian—feeling his heart pound against my cheek and his hand pressed to the small of my back—it’s all I can see, feel, and hear. It’s just him, just like it’s always been.
I cry into his shirt, letting go of the emotion that has been bottled up so deep inside of me that I’ve let it consume me for the past year. I let go of the hurt and the fear and just let myself live in this one moment.
Because I know it’s the only moment I’ll get.
What is happening right now, no matter how intense, doesn’t change the fact that nothing has actually changed. He’s still going back to Louisiana, and I’m weeks away from moving into the city. If he didn’t think we could make it work before, why would he think we can now?
I don’t know how much time passes, how many songs flitter around us as we stand outside, arms wrapped around each other like we’re both afraid to let go. At some point, we stop moving all together and go from dancing to just holding each other.
And while I wish I could hold onto this moment forever—bottle it up and never ever leave—like every moment before it this one passes too, and eventually we’re left to face the reality that we have to let go. We have to let the world back in. We have to let go of the moment and let it become just another memory like all the other moments we’ve shared.
I’m the first to break the connection, letting my arms fall as I take a full step back and then another, needing to put a little distance between us.
Like he can sense me pulling away, more than just physically, Sebastian reaches for me, but I’ve already stepped far enough out of his grasp that he can’t. Rather than moving, he stays rooted to the spot, like he understands this is just what I need.
“I can’t do this anymore, Tess. I need you. I need you in my life. I need you in my arms. I feel like I’m dying a little more each day that I’m not with you. I know I said it couldn’t work. I know I gave you a hundred reasons why ending us was the best thing for us. I was trying to put someone else’s needs above my own for the first time in my life, and all it’s done is backfire right in my face. If it’s this hard to stay away from you then maybe staying away from you was never the right thing.”
“Stop.” It’s the only word I can manage to push past the knot in my throat. “Stop,” I repeat, knowing that if he keeps going I’ll never be able to say no, and saying no is exactly what I need to do right now.
Had you asked me this morning if I were faced with the option to have Sebastian back what my answer would have been, I would have saidyes—in an instant with absolutely zero hesitation. Because being with him is all I’ve thought about for nearly a year. Being with him is all that has ever felt right.
But Sebastian didn’t walk away from me because he didn’t love me or some part of him didn’t want to be with me—I can see that now more than ever. He walked away because he knew if he didn’t that I would follow him. That I would give up everything and everyone to be with him. And he also knew that eventually, I would probably resent him for it.
These are all things he said to me nearly a year ago, and for some reason, it’s only now that I seem to be listening.
“We can’t.” I finally muster the courage to admit it out loud and by the look on his face, he knew it was coming but I can still see it hurts.
Hell, it hurts me, too. Resisting Sebastian is like going against my very nature—like ripping my soul in two pieces, one that will never leave Sebastian and the other that knows it can’t go with him.
“I know it won’t be easy, but…” he starts.
“We can’t, Sebastian. You live in Louisiana, and I’m moving to New York in a couple of months.”
“You got in?” It’s an instant shift, and the heaviness lifts slightly.
The pride in his eyes is enough to bring my tears back to the surface yet again. I didn’t realize how much I needed his approval until this very second.
“I got in.” I smile, letting the tears fall freely.
“Oh my god, Tess, that’s amazing.” Before I know it I’m back in his arms, my feet leaving the ground. “I knew you could do it.” He squeezes me so hard that it’s almost painful, and yet not nearly hard enough. “I’m so proud of you.” The last part is a whisper before he finally lowers me to my feet and takes a full step back, a sad smile etched onto his beautiful face. “So I guess this really is it huh?”
“I guess so.”
He doesn’t argue me on it or try to convince me that we can still make it work; I think deep down he knows it won’t. How could it? College ball is a full-time job in itself. Add in his full coursework on top of mine and the fact that were over a thousand miles away from each other and it’s clear to see that even if we tried, we’d only fail and probably be worse off for it.
“Fuck.” He lets out a shaky breath. “I don’t know if I have it in me to walk away from you a second time.”
“I don’t know if I have it in me to let you,” I admit, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
“So then how do we do it?” he asks, emotion so thick in this voice I nearly lose my composure and throw myself back into his arms.
I don’t know how I resist doing it. Honestly, I feel like every second that ticks by makes it harder not to do just that.
“We do it together,” I finally say, letting out a deep breath.
“Together.” He gives me a sad smile, tears filling his eyes. “I love you, Tess. No matter where life takes you, no matter where you go, I will always love you. If you meet someone new and get married, I’ll still love you. If you have children with that man and go on to live the life you’ve always dreamed of, I’ll still love you. I will love you until the day I die, and that’s one promise I will never break.”
“I love you ,too.” It’s the last words I utter.
I don’t know how I force my feet to move. I don’t know how I turn and not look back. I don’t know how I manage to walk back into school. I don’t know how I manage any of it and yet I do.
A year ago, I thought Sebastian and I would end up together some day. I thought when the time was right we’d find each other again and all the pain and heartbreak would’ve been worth it. Now, I walk away knowing that there’s a very real possibility that I may never see him again. And that thought is both terrifying and freeing at the same time
