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My stomach is a ball of nerves.
I’m in love with your ex-boyfriend... Just say it, Bree.
I knot my hands around the steering wheel and keep my focus forward while Courtney rambles happily in the seat next to me.
Since the moment I picked her up to drive her to the airport she’s been talking about Anthony. About how much fun she had on her date with him and how she hates that she has to leave already. I listen without comment, waiting for the right moment to drop the bomb that will most likely blow up our friendship of fifteen years. A friendship I pray she will give me the chance to rebuild.
I know how wrong what I’m doing is. I know I’m the bad guy in this scenario; trust me, I do. And I wish it had all happened so much differently. But it didn’t, and now I have to face the music.
By the time we’ve reached the airport, I’ve opened and closed my mouth so many times I swear my jaw hurts, all the while never actually saying a damn word. Every time I would work up the courage to go for it, Court would start talking again and I’d lose it.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea anyway. Maybe telling her right before she’s about to catch a flight to go back home isn’t the way to go. I’m sure she’ll have questions and there’s a lot of things I need to say. Saying them in the middle of an airport minutes before she’s getting ready to board a plane is not how I pictured this going. Of course, falling in love with her ex-boyfriend wasn’t really on my list of things to do either.
“It was so good seeing you, Bree.” Court stops just a few feet from the security line and turns to face me, pulling me into her arms.
“It was so good to see you too,” I choke out, guilt so heavy on my heart I’m not sure how to keep my emotions in check.
“You take care of that boy, okay?” She smiles, pushing my hair over my shoulder.
“I will.”
“And make sure you call me and tell me how his first day of Kindergarten goes, okay?”
“I will,” I promise.
“God, I hate goodbyes.” She fans her face, trying to dry the welling tears behind her eyes. “Maybe I should follow everyone else’s lead and just move out here too,” she jokes, but I get the feeling she might actually be considering it.
I’m not sure how I feel about that, and I hate that it’s this way. Take Ant out of the equation and I’d be over the moon at the prospect of having the three of us back together again. But Ant is a very large part of the equation, and that complicates things.
“I love you so much, you know that right.” She pulls me in for another hug before I have the chance to comment.
“I know. And I love you too.”
God, there’s so much more I need to say, so many things I need to explain, but I can’t push out a single one. Instead, I squeeze her tighter, knowing that once she finds out the truth I may lose her forever.
“Okay, I gotta go.” She steps back. “Be good.” She smiles.
“Always.” I laugh when she throws me a knowing smirk before turning on her heel and quickly walking away.
I watch her for several seconds, wondering if things will ever be the same with us again after she finds out what I’ve done. And right there in the middle of that airport, I grieve for the loss of my friend, of my sister, of the one person I swore I would never hurt.
I know I’ve lost her. Even if I haven’t actually lost her yet, I know it’s inevitable. And then I wonder how I became this person. How I just stood here and told her how much I loved her knowing that I’m betraying her. Knowing that just hours ago I was in the arms of the man she used to love, a man she may very well still love.
I shake my head, trying to push away the thought. I can’t change the past. All I can do is move forward. I just wish I had the courage to tell her the truth weeks ago when this whole thing started.
I knew I was falling for Ant. I knew it when she called me last month. I knew it when she showed up at my door three days ago. I knew it as I drove her to the airport while she went on and on about the date she had with him. And yet I never uttered a single word.
The drive back to my apartment is a quiet one. The voice in my head is hell-bent on making me focus on the bad when all I want to do is look at the good. And the good is in the form of a man I’ve fallen so hard for that I’m not sure I even understand the depths yet.
Anthony—just thinking his name brings a smile to my face. I guess in a way that’s how I know it’s worth the risk.
When I finally arrive home an hour later, I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically, and all I want to do is climb into Ant’s arms and remember what all this is for.
He’s sitting on the couch when I enter the apartment, his cell phone pressed to his ear. It takes me less than a second to realize something isn’t right. I can tell by the flush of his cheeks and the darkness in his gaze that whoever’s on the other end of that call is not saying anything he wants to here.
“I’ve already told you no, I don’t know why you continue to press me on this,” Ant speaks as I drop my keys on the table and take a seat on the couch next to him.
He instantly pulls my hand into his lap and stretches my fingers over his thigh, letting out a slow exhale like my touch somehow grounds him. I guess I know the feeling.
