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“How to make this right.” I lean forward, pressing more of my weight against the railing.
“And what did you come up with?” I can tell by his line of questioning that he already knows what is coming next but is trying to delay it just like I am.
“That we can’t do this anymore, Ant.” I finally release the words that have been eating at me for the past few hours. Words that I never wanted to say, but know that needed to be said just the same.
“So you’re giving up just like that?” he questions, voice void of any reaction.
“I’m not giving up.” I finally turn toward him, the air rushing from my body the second I do.
“You’re walking away before we’ve even really begun, what would you call it?”
“I’m making a choice. I choose her,” I say, doing my damnedest to stay strong.
“You could have chosen her weeks ago and saved us all a hell of a lot of time and heartbreak.” His voice has an edge to it I’ve never heard before, and it cuts me so deep I know with complete certainty that I’m moments away from bleeding out right here on the spot.
“It’s the right thing to do.”
“Maybe for you it is. Seems like the coward’s way out if you ask me.”
“Excuse me?” The defensiveness in my voice clear as day.
“You know what I think?” He turns, resting his hip on the railing as he crosses his arms over his chest.
“I get the feeling you’re about to tell me,” I whip out, knowing it’s easier to let myself feel anger than the sadness that is eating me alive from the inside out.
“I think you’re scared,” he says, ignoring my comment. “And not of losing Courtney either. I think you’re scared of how I make you feel. I think you’re afraid that you’re going to let me in, and I’m going to hurt you like every other man has in your life.”
“I told you those things so you’d understand you weren’t alone. Not so you could use them against me when it suited you to do so.” I can feel tears sting the back of my eyes, but I do my best to keep them at bay.
“I’m not using anything against you. I’m telling you what you don’t want to hear but know is true. You’re terrified of this.” He uncrosses his arms and takes a full step toward me, closing the small distance between us. “So much so that you’re ready to throw in the towel the second you get the chance.”
“You’re delusional. This has nothing to do with us. I’m doing this for Courtney.”
“Bullshit.” He towers over me. “The damage has already been done. She’s not going to forgive you any sooner because you broke things off with us. If anything, she’ll be more pissed that you risked her friendship on something you would so easily discard.”
“Don’t twist this to your benefit.”
“I’m not twisting anything, Bree. I’m saying it as it is. Deep down you know I’m right.”
“I can’t do this, Ant.” I take a full step back, feeling like I can’t breathe with him standing so close.
“You’ve said that already,” he replies dryly, like he’s bored with the conversation.
“I’m sorry, about everything. I hope that we can find a way to put this past us and still be friends.”
“We won’t.”
“What?” I look up at him, surprised.
“We won’t get past this. And I can’t ever be just your friend, Bree. Not again. Not after knowing what it feels like to love you the way I do. I’m an all or nothing kind of guy, but then again, I feel like you already knew that about me.”
“So then what are you saying?” I question, my throat feeling seconds away from closing up.
All I want to do is rush into his arms tell him I love him, and ask him never to let me go. But I’ve made the selfish move already, and I’ve hurt everyone around me in the process. It’s time I stop putting my wants and needs before everyone else’s, no matter how impossible it feels right now.
“I’m saying if you walk away from me now it’s over, forever. I won’t go back and forth. I won’t have my heart put through fucking barbwire every time you change your mind.”
“So you won’t fight for me is what you’re saying?”
