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I haven’t seen or spoken to Ant in nearly a week. It’s been one of the hardest and loneliest weeks of my life. I’ve laid in bed every night, surrounded by his scent that still lingers on the sheets I refuse to wash, wondering why I made the choice I did.
It seemed like the right move at the time, walking away from Ant. But if that was how it was going to end all along then why did I risk everything for the chance to be with him? It feels like it was all for nothing, and I ended up worse off after the fact.
Courtney still got hurt. She hasn’t spoken to me since that evening at Ant’s mom’s house. She’s avoided my calls, left my text messages unanswered, and has made it pretty clear she has no desire to hear me out. I can’t say I blame her. I wouldn’t want to hear what I had to say either.
But now instead of just Courtney, we’re all hurt. Everyone, including Jackson, can feel the effects of the fallout. It breaks my heart that I did that to him. That I’m the reason that when he wakes every morning looking for Ant that he can’t find him. I’m the reason for the disappointed look on his face every day when he learns that just like yesterday Ant isn’t here.
I opened my arms to Anthony almost immediately, made him a part of our little family, and then as soon as things got too hard, I bailed, hurting not only myself but my son as well. Someone I never, ever wanted to hurt.
I thought maybe we could talk when he came to get his things, maybe we could find a way to move past this. That I could tell him that I reacted irrationally and purely on emotion, and I didn’t mean any of it. But given that he too is not answering any of my calls or texts, I think he’s made his stance pretty clear.
Hell, he waited until I was at work to come get his things. I only knew he had been there because he left his key on the table, which prompted me to search the apartment only to find that all his things were gone. If that doesn’t say ‘I don’t want to see you’ I don’t know what does.
“How long has it been since you’ve talked to him?” Tess’ voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I look up to see her studying me with a sad look on her face.
“That obvious?” I sigh, fiddling with the end of my messy ponytail.
When Tess came over to ‘cheer me up’ after Jackson went to bed, we made a pact that we wouldn’t speak about Ant or Courtney. I’m pretty impressed we’ve lasted this long. An hour without saying one word about the two people I can’t stop thinking about might be a record for me.
“Why don’t you just call him?”
“I’ve tried,” I admit. “Several times. I even thought about going over to your place, but I didn’t want to put you and Sebastian in an awkward position.”
“He’s not there.” Her statement surprises me.
“What do you mean he’s not there? Where is he?”
“Not sure. He mentioned to Sebastian that he was taking a family leave from work, and I know he had some things to settle back in Rockfield. Maybe he’s still there.”
“But he came to get all his things,” I interject.
“Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe he flew here for a couple days and then flew back. All I know is that we haven’t seen him since the night of the funeral.”
“God, I’ve made such a mess of things.” I drop my head into my hands.
“Yes, you have,” Tess agrees, giving me a sad smile when I lift my gaze to hers.
“Tell me how it is, why don’t you?” I roll my eyes.
“Hey, you get no sugar coating here. You know you messed up.”
“I did more than just mess up. I epically fucked everything.”
“That may be true, but, Bree, you’ve been in tougher spots than this one,” she reminds me, taking a drink of her wine.
“Yeah, but not when my heart was involved. It’s easy to detach from situations, to push them to the back of your mind and pretend like they don’t exist. But I can’t do that with Ant. I feel the loss of him everywhere. My body physically aches, my chest feels like it weighs a trillion pounds, and my stomach has been knotted so tight that I’m fairly certain I haven’t eaten one day’s worth of food in the last week. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can barely focus at work. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.”
“That’s how you know it’s real.” She leans forward, patting my leg. “When I lost Sebastian, I swore I would carry that pain with me until the day I died. Nothing had ever hurt so badly before. Hell, there were days I wished I would die just so I could stop thinking about him. Because every time I thought about him my entire world splintered all over again.”
“Did it get any easier over time?”
“Yes and no?” She shrugs. “Time made the pain more bearable, but I never truly shook the loss of him. I would walk into a class and see something that would remind me of him, and instantly I would be transported back. I would see his face, his smile, and then the rest of the day I was worthless. But then I would get up the next morning, and I would start all over. Some days I barely thought of him at all. Others he’s all I thought about.”
“So how did you do it? How did you go five years without him, especially after he showed up wanting you back?”
“You know, at the time I remember thinking that it was the right thing. I had come so far by that point that opening myself up to the pain I knew would come if I lost him again just didn’t seem worth it. It took everything in me but I knew we weren’t ready, and I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—go through that again. Now, I look back and have no idea how I ever said no to that man.”
“But it all worked out in the end.”
