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“That’s right.”
“What did you major in?”
“English.” I curl my nose. “In retrospect it probably wasn’t the most responsible choice to get an education in something I’m not sure I’ll ever use.”
“Then why English?”
“Honestly I really don’t know. I guess I thought maybe one day I would try my hand at writing. I’ve always wanted to do screenplays, on top of other things.”
“Really? That’s interesting.”
“It’s silly and something I’ll likely never do. Really I just went to college to make my father happy. It didn’t hurt that Kam was there with me.” I let out a slow breath. “Kam on the other hand, he knew exactly what he wanted to do.”
“When he said he was majoring in photography I didn’t think he was actually serious,” Kane admits.
“But he did it.” I smile past the sadness welling in my chest. “He was always so talented. The way he saw the most ordinary things was like he was looking at them with a different type of eyes. He found beauty in everything.”
“Some things are more obvious than others, I guess.” The way he says it makes my skin prickle from the inside out but I shake it off, knowing I’m probably in no state of mind to assume he’s talking about me.
“Anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter now.” I sigh, setting my fork onto my plate, suddenly feeling like there’s no way I can stomach another bite.
That seems to be all it takes. One minute I feel okay, the next I feel like the walls are closing in on me. The panic slowly starts to creep back in, brought on by discussing a future Kamden will never get. A future I took from him. Feeling like I might suffocate at any moment, I stand abruptly and take off through the small restaurant.
“Elara,” Kane calls after me but I’m already outside by the time his voice registers.
I cross to the side of the building and lean over, putting my hands on my knees as I take calculated breaths, willing myself not to vomit.
“Elara.” Kane stands next to me, yet I hadn’t heard his approach.
“Just leave me alone, Kane.” I don’t change my position, my eyes closed tightly.
“I don’t understand. What did I do?”
“Nothing. Okay? You didn’t do anything. I just need you to go.”
“Elara.” He says my name the way Kam used to always say it when he wasn’t sure how to handle me–hesitant, like he’s afraid I might snap at any moment.
“I just can’t. I can’t sit in there and talk about him like he’s never coming back.”
“He’s not coming back,” he says somberly.
“You think I don’t know that.” I stand upright, my gaze finding his in an instant. “You think I don’t know he’s dead. I watched him die.” My voice shakes as it rises. “I watched his eyes close for the last time five days ago and now I’m sitting in the restaurant he used to always bring me to, talking to his brother who I keep trying to pretend is him. But you’re not him, Kane. And I hate you for that. I hate you for not being the person I want you to be. And that’s totally irrational and unfair, I know, but I can’t help it.”
“I get it, believe me I do.”
“Only you don’t, Kane. You don’t understand at all. You weren’t here. Your life didn’t revolve around him.” I swipe angrily at my tears. “I’m lost. I don’t even know which way is up or down anymore. I’m so twisted up inside. I feel like I’m suffocating every second of every day and nothing makes it better. I tried pretending with you. I tried pushing it to the back of my mind and focusing on something else if even for the briefest moment but that has only served to make me feel even more guilty.”
“You have no reason to feel guilty,” he argues.
“Yes I do,” I scream, emotion getting the better of me.
“Why?” His temper flares and for the first time I see the true pain engrained in every pore of his face. Pain he’s been trying to hide all night.
“Because I lived,” I choke. “I lived and he died.”
“You can’t do that to yourself.”
“Yes I can, because it’s my fault.”
