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“I will. Love you too.”
Ending the call, I drop backward onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling as I try to sort through the nervous energy that’s been buzzing through me since I made the decision to move home.
A part of me is excited. I miss my dad terribly and it will be really nice to be around some of my friends again. The other part of me feels like I’m running away. I hate to look at it that way but to an extent it’s true.
It’s too hard being here. Everywhere I go I see Kam. Everything I do I’m reminded of him; of memories we made together before he died. The more time that passes the more I find myself avoiding all the places we used to go together. I’ve even started taking a different route to work every day to avoid passing Zachary’s, which I haven’t visited since that night with Kane.
Just the thought of Kane causes a weird stirring in my chest. His dark eyes flash through my mind and I sit up abruptly, my gaze immediately finding Kam’s old Dodgers hat that’s sitting on top of my dresser.
I remember the night Kane gave me that hat, how he claimed to need me as much as he thought I needed him. Turns out he didn’t need me all that much considering he flew back to Illinois the next day without as much as a goodbye.
I found out from his mom a couple days later when I stupidly walked next door to see him only to find he was no longer there. I didn’t expect to be as disappointed by the news or as hurt as I was for that matter.
I guess I had hoped we could be friends. Or maybe I had just naively believed that he would somehow step in and fill the void that Kamden had left behind. I’ve realized since then that there’s not a single person on this earth that could take Kam’s place–and I don’t want them too either.
Standing, I cross the room and pick up Kam’s hat, running my fingers along the frayed bill. Looking up into the mirror that’s attached to the dresser, I slide the hat on my head, remembering all the times Kam had done it for me.
A sad smile graces my face as I take in my reflection moments before my gaze lands on the picture of me and Kam taped to the bottom left corner of the mirror. I pull it off, peeling the tape from the back before turning it upright again. Kam’s smiling face is the only thing I can focus on.
I run my finger over his photograph, wishing I could shake this feeling that by moving back to Arkansas I’m betraying his memory somehow. Honestly I just didn’t know what else to do.
I’ve spent weeks walking around like a zombie. Not able to eat. Barely able to sleep. Until one night I made the decision that the only way for me to move on was to leave this part of my life behind me. And in doing so, I’m leaving Kamden behind as well.
It’s not lost on me that this is the exact thing I did when my mom died–I ran away. But leaving home feels different this time around. Back then I was running to Kam, not away from the memory of my mom. Now, I have no one left to run to.
Don’t get me wrong, my dad is amazing, but he’s not my mom. He’s not that good at talking about feelings and anytime I try to discuss anything of real importance he has no idea what to really say. So while I’m happy to go home to my dad, I also know that I’m going to have to find a way to heal on my own this time. No one can do it for me.
Taking the hat off, I tuck the picture of me and Kam inside it and lay them at the top of one of the moving boxes. Closing the sides, I quickly tape the box up, determined to not let myself fall back into the same cycle I do every time I wallow for too long.
Kamden is gone. I’ve given myself two months to wrap my head around that fact and yet it still doesn’t seem real most days. Regardless, it’s time I stop living in the past. I’m not doing anyone any good by hiding out in this apartment all day long trying to shut out the world.
So with a renewed sense of determination, I continue packing, knowing that even if it doesn’t feel like it now, this will be the best thing for me in the long run.
****
“I was hoping you’d come by and see me before you left.” Mary Thaler smiles at me through the screen door before joining me on the porch. “You’re all packed up then?”
“I am.” I rock back on my heels. “I just wanted to come say goodbye to you and Kris before I headed out.”
“Kris is at the office this morning. It’s likely he won’t be home until later this afternoon. He’s going to be sorry he missed you.”
“I should have come yesterday evening,” I say, knowing I had planned to but decided against it last minute.
I knew saying goodbye to Kam’s parents would be difficult so I kept pushing it off. These are two people who treated me more like a daughter than the girl who lived next door. Over the years they’ve become family and leaving them behind is not an easy thing to do.
“Normally he would have been here but I guess there’s some accounting issue that couldn’t wait until Monday morning.” She swipes her hand through the air.
“That man works too much.” I shake my head on a smile, knowing she whole heartedly agrees.
“Don’t we both know it.” She chuckles. “I think it helps him though. Gives him something to focus on.”
“I understand that,” I agree, not really sure what else to say.
“It’s going to be strange not having you next door anymore,” she redirects, her hazel eyes so much like Kam’s it’s difficult to meet her gaze. “I bet your dad is excited to have you coming back home.”
“He is.” I nod, knotting my hands together.
Sensing my unease, Mary reaches out and takes both of my hands in hers. “You’re doing the right thing, Elara. You know you are. Kam wouldn’t want this life for you. He’d want you to move on, to be happy, and that’s what we want for you too.”
