AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I know.” I fight back the tears that instantly well in my eyes at her words.
“We are sure going to miss you though.”
“I’m going to miss you too.”
“You make sure you call every now and again, okay? Let us know how you’re doing.”
“I will.”
Mary releases my hands and instantly pulls me into a hug. It’s one of those hugs that only mothers can give. The ones that make you feel safe and loved. I remember how my mother’s hugs would always make me feel better, no matter what was going on.
“You take care of yourself, my sweet girl,” she says before finally releasing me and taking a full step back.
“I will.” I offer her one last smile before quickly turning and walking away, not able to look back in fear that I might never leave if I do.
This isn’t just about leaving Mary and Kris. It’s about leaving the place that holds every single memory of Kamden in it. It’s about saying goodbye. To Kamden. To his parents. To the town I thought I’d live in for the rest of my life. To the girl I used to be and to the girl I am now.
Carol meets me at the car moments later, babbling hysterically about how much she’s going to miss having me around. After spending the next fifteen minutes crying like we’re never going to see each other again, I finally climb into my car and pull away, watching Kamden’s house grow further away in the rearview mirror before it finally disappears from view.
I push back the tears that threaten to spill over, knowing I’m going to have to save them for the one last stop I need to make.
It only takes me about ten minutes to reach him. I know exactly where he is, even though I haven’t been able to bring myself to come here since the day of his funeral. Pulling off the small street, I climb from the car and cross the expansive green space peppered with hundreds of head stones until I find the one I’m looking for.Kamden Joseph Thalerengraved across the front in thick letters. It’s the first time I’ve actually seen it–his name etched across the front of the headstone.
“Hey, Kam.” I slide down onto the ground in front of his grave, reaching out to run my hand along the cool stone. “Sorry I haven’t come to see you sooner. I’m sure you understand why,” I say as if he’s sitting right in front of me.
“So, I’m moving back to Arkansas today. I’ve got my car packed up and ready to go but I needed to come see you first.” I blink away the tears that are already threatening to spill over. I’ve cried more times than I care to admit over the last couple of days. I never dreamed that saying goodbye would be quite so hard.
“Dad’s thrilled of course.” I clear my throat and continue, “Aunt Carol not so much. And me, well I don’t know that I’m really sure how I feel right now. A part of me knows it’s for the best. But the other part of me feels guilty leaving you behind.”
I pull at a few long pieces of grass that have sprouted in front of his head stone.
“I know you understand and I know you want me to be happy. But happiness is in short supply these days. Has been ever since you left. But I’m trying, Kam. I promise I am. It’s just really, really hard.” Tears trickle down my cheeks but I don’t bother to wipe them away. It’s just me and Kam right now.
“Anyway, I have your old Dodgers hat. Kane gave it to me. I hope you don’t mind that I’m taking it home with me. I know how much you loved that old raggedy thing. I also have your camera. You left it at my house the last time you were there, remember? I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at the pictures saved on there but one day I think I will. Hopefully there’s not too many embarrassing ones of me. Then again, I think I might like it if there are. Because you always did love catching me at the worst possible moments.” I laugh through my tears.
“I miss you so much, Kam.” A tidal wave of emotion hits me and it takes me several long moments to pull myself from the weight of it enough to speak again.
“I meant what I said that day when I told you I love you. It wasn’t just because you kissed me either. I think I fell in love with you the first day I met you and that love only continued to grow over the years. At first I was angry, angry that we never got our chance. But then I realized that we did. We may not have shared certain things but in all the ways that count, I was yours and you were mine. I think in a way I’ll always be yours.” I pause, thinking over my next words.
“I need to tell you I’m sorry. I know you think I don’t have a reason to be sorry but we both know you’re wrong. I’m the reason you’re here, even if you don’t want to admit it. You always let me off so easy. Anytime I would ever do anything wrong you were always making excuses for me, trying to justify my bad choices. I guess it was your way of protecting me but you can’t protect me from this, Kam. You know that as much as I do.”
I stop, letting the memory of his voice wash over me. If I really concentrate, I can hear him like he’s sitting right next to me.
“I can’t change what happened, I know that. And I’m trying to find a way to be okay with it. Some days are harder than others but I’m trying to be the strong person you always said I was. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly been strong or if maybe you just brought something out in me that I didn’t see myself, but I’m trying.”
I close my eyes and lift my head toward the sky, focusing on the light breeze that dances across my face–on the sound it makes as it rustles through the trees. I picture Kam sitting right next to me, holding my hand, telling me that everything is going to be okay. And then in the silence of that moment I finally find the strength to let him go.
“I guess I should go,” I finally say, slowly climbing to my feet. “I’ll miss you every day of forever.” I lean forward and press my lips to the top of his headstone before softly whispering, “Goodbye, tater tot.”
