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I have to remind myself that there was a time when I felt this way for Kamden too. Though things with Kam were so much different. I didn’t feel quite so overwhelmed by the way he made me feel nor was I as on edge as I am with Kane. But then again nothing about Kane feels comparable to my relationship with Kamden.
Kam had a way of making me feel at ease, comfortable with who I was. Where Kane makes me feel squeamish and self-conscious. Kam would tease me constantly where Kane is much more serious. And while I sometimes see glimpses of Kamden in Kane, it’s clear that they are, or were, very different.
I just wish I could separate the two somehow. Then again I’m not sure if I would be more or less comfortable around Kane if I could. Because, I don’t know what it is about Kane that has me so all over the place.
Yes, he’s gorgeous. But he’s also not the first good looking guy I’ve been around so it can’t be that. Then again he’s probably the most attractive man I’ve ever seen so I guess that’s not really a fair comparison.
I don’t know what, but there’s something there. Some invisible bond that I feel like tethers us together and to be honest, I’m terrified of what that might mean. Because I’m scared to get too close to Kane. Not only because I’m afraid to get too close to anyone after losing Kam but also because I don’t want to hurt Kane the way I’d hurt Kam.
I decide to call it a night just after nine o’clock. The heavy pizza combined with three beers and not enough sleep has me feeling seconds away from dozing off while sitting up.
Unfortunately I’m wide awake the second I slip under the expensive sheets and end up spending the next several minutes lying in bed looking at the ceiling wondering how the hell I actually ended up here.
It still seems like a dream. All of this. Kam being gone, me being here with Kane. It all feels wrong and yet oddly right at the same time.
Kane’s bedroom door closes about thirty minutes later, followed by the sound of his shower turning on. I close my eyes and imagine what his reaction would be if I snuck into his room and slid underneath the hot streaming water with him.
Would he push me away and tell me to leave? Or worse… Would he pull me into his arms and beg me to stay?
My eyes shoot open and I quickly shake off the thought. God, what is wrong with me? It’s not like I’m a prude or anything but thinking of Kam’s brother that way feels wrong on so many levels.
Though it’s no wonder why my mind would go there considering how long it’s been since I’ve been with someone. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I just need to get laid as my friend, Abby had told me on the phone a couple days ago when I confided in her about how off kilter Kane makes me feel.
I mean I’m twenty-two and my sexual experience is limited to Mike Webster, who I dated for three months my junior year of high school, and Jack Taylor, who I slept with after my mom died in an effort to make myself feel anything other than the soul crushing sadness I couldn’t shake.
When I hear Kane’s mattress creak through the thin apartment walls my urge to go to him becomes almost overwhelming. It would be so easy to walk into his room, climb under the covers with him, and ask him to make me feel something again, but I know I can’t risk it.
Kamden is gone and Kane is the only person in the world that makes me feel close to him. I can’t risk screwing this up because my libido has all of a sudden decided to work again.
I don’t know how long it takes before I finally doze off but my sleep is choppy and restless once I do. A constant nagging feeling eats at the pit of my stomach all night.
It’s just after six in the morning when I finally give up and crawl out of bed, throwing on the only hooded sweatshirt I brought with me before quietly padding through the apartment and out onto the balcony.
I sit there for the next hour watching the sun rise, promising myself that I will let whatever this is go, all the while trying to convince myself why I should. The old Elara would go for what she wants and isn’t that why I’m here? To find her again.
Then again the old Elara was secretly in love with her best friend and it took her nearly seven years to admit it to him, so maybe she didn’t really go for what she wanted after all. It’s strange how when it comes to something like bungee jumping I don’t blink an eye but then when it involves real feelings I run away like a terrified child.
Maybe I should be less focused on finding the girl I used to be and more focused on discovering the girl I am now. No one goes through what I’ve been through and comes out the same person on the other side. I think it’s time to accept that the old me is gone. She died that day with Kamden. Unfortunately for me, I don’t have any real clue who took her place.
