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“You have no idea.” He pushes back, pulling me up with him.
Instead of reclaiming his seat, he rocks back on his knees and pulls me into his arms. I take a deep inhale of his ocean scented skin as I wrap my arms around his neck.
“Happy doesn’t even begin to describe it.” He pulls back, finally releasing me after several long seconds.
I slide off his lap back into the sand, pulling my legs up to my chest. Kam settles in next to me, knocking his shoulder against mine.
“We’re gonna be okay, ya know? Me and you.” I offer him a little additional reassurance from his earlier admission of self-doubt. “We don’t have to have all the answers right now. We’ve got each other and our whole lives ahead of us. There isn’t anything we can’t do if we set our minds to it.”
My words bring a smile to his lips as he reaches over and nudges my chin with his knuckle. “I envy that about you. Your ability to never accept anything less than what you want.”
I want to correct him. Tell him that’s not a hundred percent true, but of course I don’t. Kam means too much to me now to ever risk putting that kind of pressure on our relationship. I can’t lose him which means I can’t have him in the way I really want.
“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I object.
“You are the bravest person I’ve ever met.”
“I’m not brave. Not really. I’m just really good at pretending.”
“I don’t believe that for a second,” he counters.
“And here I thought you knew me so well,” I tease, knocking my shoulder into his the way he did mine moments ago.
“I do. That’s my point.” He snags a piece of my hair caught by the wind and tucks it behind my ear, his hand lingering on my cheek. “I’d be lost without you, butter bean.” He grins sweetly.
“And don’t you ever forget it.” I crinkle my nose.
Kam chuckles, his hand falling away before turning his attention back out toward the water.
“I love the hell out of you, Elara Menten,” he says, not looking in my direction.
“I love the hell out of you, Kamden Thaler,” I repeat, allowing him to take my hand as together we watch the last slivers of daylight disappear over the horizon.
****
Present Day
It’s been hours. At least I think it’s been hours. I have no real sense of time. No real grasp on anything happening around me. The rain stopped a while ago but left behind a dreary mist that seems to fit the theme of the day.
My aunt has tried to call me several times since I took off earlier, as has my dad, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I don’t think I have it in me to talk to anyone right now. Especially not my dad.
I just can’t.
So here I sit, watching the waves roll in, the tide getting closer and closer with each minute that passes. I keep waiting for it to reach me, hoping it will eventually pull me under and I will disappear into the sea forever.
When I look hard enough at the water, it’s like I can see us. Me and Kam. I can see him floating on his surf board next to me. Hear him yelling instructions as I try to push up on my board as a wave rushes toward me. Feel his laughter resonate through me when I wipe out. The deep chested laugh that he only did when he found something truly funny. I can see us out there, happy and carefree.
And then I remember that nothing will ever be that way again and the crushing heaviness settles back on my chest making it nearly impossible to breathe.
I’m so consumed by the ache, by the splitting pain in my chest and the unbearable knot in the pit of my stomach that I don’t even notice a person approaching until they’re taking a seat next to me.
I turn my gaze to the side, half expecting to see my Aunt Carol. Only it’s not her I see. My pulse quickens instantly as I take in the faded lines and colors of Kamden’s old Dodgers baseball cap before meeting the dark eyes that rest beneath it.
Kane doesn’t say a word. Instead he pulls his knees up to his chest and directs his gaze out to the water. I open my mouth to say something at least ten times before finally deciding not to say anything at all.
I have no idea why he’s here. I don’t know if he came looking for me or if he simply stumbled here by accident the same way I did. All I know is that saying to him what I need to say seems like an impossible task and so, I choose to say nothing at all.
Waves roll in one after the other and his focus never breaks. I can’t stop staring at him from the corner of my eye. Completely transfixed by how much he looks like Kamden right now and how much comfort that brings me–even though it shouldn’t.
