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“I lost the baby?” It’s all I say after Kane tells me what happened. I can’t focus on anything but that. After years of believing I could never have a child, I had one inside of me and lost it.
I don’t care if it was growing in my fallopian tube, it was still a real live baby in there and that baby is gone. Tears sting the back of my eyes and I turn my gaze out the window.
“We did,” he says, taking my hand.
“No, Kane. I did,” I say without actually meaning to. Anger and defeat outweighing my ability to be rational about this.
“Babe, we can have a baby. The doctor said it’s possible. You still have one good fallopian tube and that’s enough. We can do this. We can have the family you’ve always wanted one day. The impossible is now a real live possibility.”
“Do you hear yourself? I lost my child hours ago and you’re already planning on replacing it like it never existed,” I bite out, quickly continuing, “And not only that, but you’re getting your hopes up. The likelihood is I will never be able to carry a child. As if I need that pressure. As if I need you telling me how badly you want something with me that I can’t give you.”
“You’re upset,” he says softly, reaching for my hand. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be pushing this on you right now. I just thought maybe it would help. Knowing there’s a chance you can have children.”
“It doesn’t help, Kane. It doesn’t help because I know it’s never going to happen. So stop saying it. Just stop.” I don’t know why I’m being so hard on him. I don’t know why I’m looking at him and all I feel is my anger and my guilt.
“Elara.”
“Can you leave please, Kane?” My chin quivers.
“Babe.”
“Leave, Kane,” I scream at him. He flinches before his firm mask slides back into place.
“No.”
“No?” I question, temper flaring.
“No, Elara. I will not let you make me the bad guy here. I will not let you blame me and I will not let you push me away. I’m staying, whether you like it or not.”
My anger shreds and gives way to a sob that rips from my chest, pain flooding through my body as everything seems to catch up with me all at once.
It’s less than a second before I’m in Kane’s arms and while it’s exactly where I want to be, it’s the one place I know I don’t deserve to be. This is my fault. All of it. Kam. The baby.Everything.
I should never have let Kane in. I should have known that eventually what I’d done would catch up to me and now here it is. It’s in the knowledge that for a short period of time Kane’s baby was growing inside of me and now it’s gone. It’s in the truth that once Kane learns will result in me losing him too.
So for a brief moment I let him hold me. I close my eyes and pretend we’re back in Italy. Crammed into that tiny little apartment, Kane spinning me in his arms, a wide smile across his handsome face. He tells me he loves me under the moonlight filtering in through the open terrace door as he moves inside of me. His lips on my forehead in the morning as my eyes flutter open into the early sunlight.
Every moment flashes through my mind like snapshots. One after the other until so much emotion is flowing out of me I’m sobbing in Kane’s arms.
And still I let him hold me. Knowing what I have to do. Knowing what I have to say. I selfishly let him hold me because I’m not ready to let him go just yet…but I know I have to.
“Kane,” I say after several long moments, not able to stop the tears but able to calm myself enough to speak.
He pulls back and looks down at me, cupping my cheek in his hand. “We will get through this, Elara,” he reassures me with a soft smile which only causes my stomach to twist harder.
“I need you to sit down, Kane,” I say, a slight shake to my voice.
“Okay,” he says slowly, turning to take a seat next to me on the bed, angling himself toward me.
“There’s something I have to tell you.” I let out a slow breath, trying to keep my chin from quivering. “Something that will likely change everything.”
“Okay.” He narrows his gaze at me, not trying to hide his confusion or worry.
“I killed your brother.” The moment the words leave my lips his entire expression shifts.
“What are you talking about, Elara?” he questions after what feels like an eternity has passed.
“I killed Kamden. It’s my fault he’s dead.”
