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“We’ve been over this. Kam’s death was an accident.”
“An accident, yes. But my fault none the less.”
“Don’t do this right now. You’re hurting over the baby.”
“This has nothing to do with the baby,” my voice so loud it echoes around us. “I’ve been trying to tell you for months that was my fault. I told your parents, my aunt, my dad, and no one would listen. I need the weight of it off of me and no one would take it. No one would let me say what I need to say and eventually it buried itself, became a permanent knot in the pit of my stomach that I’ve carried with me every single day.” I wipe tears from my cheeks. “Kam wasn’t the one driving the four-wheeler that day, I was.” This gets his attention and he sits up straighter, disbelief in his eyes.
“No, Kam was driving. It said it plain as day on the police report.”
“I was the only one who could give a statement. Where do you think they got that information from?”
“You wouldn’t lie to the police.”
“Well I guess you don’t know me very well after all, do you?”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Do I look like I’m fucking with you?” My voice is borderline hysterical and I have to reel myself back in.
“Why? Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I need you to know the truth. I need you to know I’m not the person you think I am.”
“Or maybe this is your sad attempt to push me away,” he grinds out, his expression hard.
“You think I would make this shit up to push you away?” I open my mouth and close it several times, not able to form even one word to continue.
“Say you were driving, and you did lie to the police. Why? Why lie?”
“I didn’t mean to,” I admit truthfully. “I guess I panicked. I knew Kam was gone,” I pause to compose myself. “I didn’t want to go to jail.”
“Why would you go to jail, Elara?”
“Because I killed him.”
“No, you didn’t,” he grinds out, his jaw clenched tight.
“I’m the reason he’s dead. That’s the same as killing him.”
“Only you know what happened that day, Elara. You’re so convinced that you’re to blame, yet no one knows the full story. Maybe you’re just so hell bent on blaming yourself that you’re afraid if you tell another person you might actually have to face the fact that this wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was,” I interject. Shifting to sit upright, pain shoots through my abdomen, causing me to cringe.
“Babe.” Kane starts to stand but I hold my hand up and shake my head.
“Please, don’t. I have to get this out.”
“Then get it out and let’s deal with this shit once and for all,” he clips, clearly trying to keep his own emotions in check.
“It was my idea to take the four-wheeler out. Kam didn’t want to do it. He never liked those things.” I knot my hands in my lap. “But like most things, he did it because I asked him to. We rode for a few hours. Mainly down trails and through the creek bed. I let Kam drive because he said he didn’t have a death wish.” I choke on my words, wiping fresh tears from my cheeks as they spill.
Kane sits motionless next to me, watching me with a pained expression.
“I convinced him to let me drive, promising we could return it and do something else as soon as I got my turn. He conceded but insisted I keep the only helmet. He’d made me wear it the entire day much to my disdain. I wasn’t in the mood to argue, knowing there was no way I was going to talk him out of it, so I took the helmet and climbed into the driver’s seat.”
Closing my eyes, I remember it like it was yesterday.
“He’d said,don’t make me regret this, bean,” I continue to speak with my eyes closed. “Take it nice and slow. No funny business, he warned. Only I didn’t listen. Instead I did the exact opposite. I whipped the four-wheeler around so fast I nearly threw both of us off before speeding through the field as fast as I could get it to go.”
