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I close my eyes, trying to drown out the noise, the fear, the pain, all the memories. I try to bury it deep but it continues to roll to the surface.
Kane’s face flashes through my mind. The pain. The anger. The sympathy. All of the things that his expression held as he sat next to me and listened to me recount the events of the worst day of my life.
And then I see Kam. The way he smiled after he kissed me for the first time. The way he looked at me the same way he always had, yet it was so different at the same time. Then I think about the last time I looked into those hazel eyes. How they faded as he took his last breath. How I knew right then and there it would be the last time I’d ever be able to count the specks of blue and green.
I open my eyes only to close them again. The pain in my stomach from surgery has nothing on the pure agony sitting on my chest.
I can still hear Kane’s words like he’s standing here repeating them right now.Do not disrespect his memory by doing the one thing you know he wouldn’t want you to do.
I focus on that thought, knowing even in my current state that he’s right. Of course he is. But that doesn’t make the action of doing so any easier. Because that means I have to forgive myself and I’m not sure I can do that.
I turn my head to the side and let out a slow, uneasy breath.
It’s been hours since Kane walked out on me. Hours. I guess a part of me expected him to come back. The other part of me is not even a little surprised that he hasn’t.
What did I expect? That I would lay all that on him and things would go back to normal? God, why am I so amazing at messing up everything good in my life?
In that moment I realize my hands are resting on my belly just above my incision where they removed not only my fallopian tube, but the baby that had been living inside of me.
Kane’s baby.
The thought brings on a whole new onslaught of tears and I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, hoping to keep them at bay. I know that this pregnancy wasn’t a normal one. And I know that the baby had zero chance of survival. But even knowing this, it doesn’t lessen the sting of the loss.
“I’m sorry,” I say to no one in particular. “I’m sorry I let you down.” I look down at my stomach. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”
I suck in a shaky breath and turn my gaze to the ceiling.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save either of you.”
I close my eyes, praying for a response, something…anythingto let me know that Kam’s here. That he can hear me. That he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him every single day. But I’m met with nothing more than deafening silence.
