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“That’s not true. I was going to tell you.”
“Don’t. We both know you weren’t.” I turn in a full circle, my eyes up on the sky as I try to collect myself enough to continue, “You can go back and tell her she wins. I don’t have it in me to play this game anymore.”
“What game?”
“You know, the sad thing is I’m not sure if you really are that clueless or you’re just really good at making me think you are. The fact that I’m not sure either way speaks volumes.”
“Tell me what you want me to do. How can I prove to you that you are it for me, Lennon?”
“You can’t. The seeds of doubt have been planted and they’re growing so rapidly I can’t see my way out anymore. It doesn’t matter if you slept with her.”
“I didn’t,” he cuts in.
“It doesn’t matter if you did.” My voice eerily calm. “I thought I could do this, Hudson. I thought I could be a part of your world and not lose myself in the process, but I can’t.”
“You haven’t even tried,” he erupts, his anger boiling to the surface. “You have fought me every single step of the way. It wasn’t me that kept us apart for weeks at a time. You made that choice. How many times did I offer to fly you to where I was going to be? How many times did I ask you to come with me and you flat out refused? If we’re being honest here you never wanted to be a part of my world. It was always me trying to pull you into it and you resisting at every turn.”
“Maybe that’s true. Maybe I was afraid to put one hundred percent of myself into this because deep down I always knew it wouldn’t work. I’m not cut out for this kind of life.”
“And what kind of life is that, Lennon? A life you get to spend with me?”
“A life where I never feel like I’m enough.”
“You are enough.” The intensity of his voice has me taking a full step back. “You’ve always been enough,” he softens. “Haven’t I shown you that? Haven’t I loved you enough?”
“Maybe it’s me not able to love you enough.” I want to take it back the moment it leaves my lips, but I know it’s too late. The damage has already been done. The bomb I launched hit its target with absolute precision.
I look into his eyes and I see the future I thought I would have with him slipping away. I look at his lips and I mourn that I will never feel them pressed against mine again. I look at his hair, knowing I’ll never run my fingers through it again. Never hear his laugh or see his smile. Never hear him say my name when he’s buried deep inside of me. The weight of everything crashes over me and it’s all I can do to keep myself from crumbling to the ground.
“I don’t even know what to say.” Hurt is etched into every feature of his handsome face and it kills me to know I put it there.
“I love you,” I say as I turn.
“You have no idea how much I wish that was enough,” he says as I begin to walk away.
Tears pour down my face and I feel like my chest is being split in half with every step I take, yet I can’t make myself turn back.
I meant what I said. Not about loving him enough. That’s never been the problem, but about our love being enough.
The sting of learning he was with Anna last night weighs heavy, but what he did or didn’t do isn’t what got us here. No, that was all on me. I delivered the fatal blow by making him believe he wasn’t enough for me when in actuality it’s me who isn’t enough for him. In a way I’ve always known it would come down to this.
