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Chapter Twenty-six
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Iraise my hand andwrap on the door of my sister’s cute three bedroom ranch. It’s after eleven o’clock at night but I know she’s still up. She never goes to bed before midnight.
I lean my forehead against the navy blue wood as I wait for someone to answer. I didn’t call her to tell her I was coming. Truthfully, as I was packing I felt certain that I would find myself at Emma’s but at the last second I changed my mind and headed in the opposite direction. Emma has enough on her plate preparing for the baby. The last thing she needs is me showing up on her doorstep in the middle of the night. Especially in the shape I’m in.
I feel dead on my feet. My eyes are swollen from crying and my lack of sleep has only intensified the burn behind them. I can’t remember a time where emotional pain has ever felt so physically painful. I feel the ache deep in my bones. The loss of something so profound not one single part of my mind, body, or heart has been left unaffected.
I jump when the door abruptly opens, pulling my head up just in time to see my sister’s expression fall when she catches sight of me.
“Lennon?” It’s all she says before I drop my bag and crumble in her arms.
I cry like I can’t ever remember crying before. Loud, angry sobs that rip through my body with so much intensity I’m shaking.
Starr doesn’t say a word. She simply tightens her hold on me and guides me inside. I vaguely hear her say something to Mark as she settles us onto the couch.
Shifting to the far end, she guides my head into her lap and gently runs her hands through my hair while I cry it out. She doesn’t push for anything. In fact, she doesn’t ask a single question. Instead, she gives me exactly what I need; a safe space to let go of the emotion I’ve been holding inside since this morning.
I feel like I might cry forever. That nothing will ease the pain coursing through me, but eventually my sobs start to weaken until all that’s left are silent tears rolling down my cheeks every few seconds.
“I ended things with Hudson.” My voice is hoarse and broken when I finally speak.
“What happened?” Starr asks. If she’s surprised she doesn’t let on. Maybe she could see it was coming long before I did. Or maybe I knew it was coming too and just didn’t want to let myself acknowledge it.
“I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live with this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every single day.”
“But something must have happened.” She continues to play with my hair, the action soothing.
“You know how I flew to Colorado this morning,” I start. “When I got there Hudson wasn’t on the bus. One of the guys from the band said he left after the show the night before with Annabelle and they hadn’t seen him since.”
“That doesn’t mean anything though, Lenny.”
“I had dosed off waiting for him,” I keep going without acknowledging her. “When he finally showed I asked him straight out. He didn’t even have a chance to deny it before Anna walked on the bus asking if he had seen her bracelet before he left the hotel room.” My sister inhales a sharp intake of air. “She didn’t see me sitting there, though even if she had I’m sure she would’ve been happy to announce that they had been together.”
“And what did he say?”
“He swears nothing happened. Something about her being drunk and emotional and he didn’t want to leave her so he slept in the chair in the corner of the room.”
“And you don’t believe that?”
“Do you?” I turn my head to look up at my sister.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “I have a hard time imagining it going either way. On one hand I can’t see him staying with her and not sleeping with her. Especially with the way she is with him. Then again, I have a really hard time believing he would cheat on you.”
I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest as I shift to face Starr.
“I told him I didn’t love him enough to do this anymore. I didn’t mean it. Or maybe I did mean it. I don’t know. Either way, it’s over. I have no way of knowing the truth and I don’t think I’m capable of living with that uncertainty. I’ll always wonder, ya know?”
“I get that. This just all seems kind of out of left field. I didn’t even know you were having issues. I mean, I know you had some concerns about Annabelle, but you never made me believe that concern also extended to Hudson. You always seemed so happy when you were with him. Happier than I’ve ever seen you, Lenny.”
“I was happy. I think that’s the hardest part. When we were together everything was perfect. I was sure of our relationship. Of his feelings for me. But when we were apart I spent nearly all day every day worrying. And the problem with that is we were apart a hell of a lot more than we were together. I found myself obsessive and jealous. I would troll the internet looking for proof that they were a thing, certain that it was only a matter of time before something confirmed my suspicions. I hated who I was becoming. Does that sound crazy?”
“Not at all.” My sister reaches forward and pats my leg. “It makes you sound human.”
“I’m sorry to just show up like this. I was hoping I could stay here a few days until I figure out my next move.”
“Of course,” she answers without hesitation. “You can stay here as long as you need.”
