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“I know Hudson. I’ve known him my entire life. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s not that guy. I swear to you, Lennon.”
“And if he turns out to be that guy?” I counter.
“Then I guess it turns out I don’t know him at all.” He lets out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t believe that’s true. I know Hudson probably better than I know myself. I’ve known him my entire life, Lennon. Not once have I ever seen him look at another person the way he looks at you. I can’t believe he would throw that away on someone like Anna.”
“Well apparently she was offering something he wanted.”
“You have no idea how much he loves you, do you? Jesus.”
“I’ll tell you the same thing I told him. Love isn’t always enough.”
“You told me you were strong enough to handle this. I warned you this wouldn’t be easy, Lennon. You assured me you were in,” he says, reminding me of one of the first real conversations we had right when Hudson and I were getting serious.
“And I meant it at the time. But I didn’t sign up to be strung along or cheated on. I won’t stand by and accept it because he’s Hudson James. I don’t give a shit if he’s god himself. I deserve better.”
“Do you truly believe he cheated on you?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I want to say no. I want to say I know he would never do that. But I feel like I’m trying to convince myself of the easier truth to believe.”
“So you’re going to just call it quits? Just like that. Without any real proof.”
“Sometimes you have to make decisions based on the information you have. Hudson continued to hang out with Annabelle in their free time even though he knew it made me uncomfortable. Maybe it was unfair of me to expect him not to, but if the roles were reversed I would have done anything to ease his doubt and worry. He was more concerned with her feelings, with how lonely she was, and how he didn’t have it in him to not be there for her. That he completely neglected me and how I was feeling. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I’m the crazy jealous one that couldn’t reel in my feelings. But at the end of the day I shouldn’t have to. I should always come first and let’s be honest, Colton, he never put me first.”
“Do you hear yourself right now? Everything that man does he does thinking of you. Every decision he’s made over the last few months has been for you as a couple and not just for him. He’s turned down performance opportunities to be with you. Blown off interviews and events to make time to see you.”
“I never asked him to do that.” I push up in bed, resting my back against the headboard.
“No, you didn’t. That’s my point. He’s been trying to make an impossible situation a little less impossible. You’re so caught up on Annabelle that you can’t see it for what it is. Hehasto play nice. He doesn’t have a choice. If people think he and Annabelle might be a thing, it gives them more hype. That’s just part of the business.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. If that was the case then Hudson and I would’ve been a secret but we weren’t. Hell, there are at least a handful of pictures of us together on the internet. People know he’s not with Annabelle.”
“Or do they? For all they know Annabelle swooped in and stole him. People see what they’re supposed to see. It’s all about building perceptions. At the end of the day the label doesn’t care who he’s with. When he’s making them enough money none of this shit will even matter, but right now he’s still gaining speed and they are going to set the narrative no matter how that affects him, you, or any of us.”
“Then why would he not tell me that?”
“I can’t speak for him, Lennon. But if I had to guess I would say he was trying to shield you from it as best he could.”
“Well, maybe if he hadn’t we wouldn’t be where we are now.” Regret and uncertainty coils tightly in my gut.
“I know I have no right to ask this, but because I feel like we’re friends I’m going to. Can you please just talk to him? Let him explain.”
“He already explained, Colton. I don’t care what the label expects or what façade he’s trying to put on. Nothing excuses him staying the night in her hotel room.Nothing. I don’t care if he didn’t touch her. In my mind that’s all I can see. I can’t erase the image of it no matter how hard I try. If I look at him it will only make it worse. If I talk to him I’m only further delaying the inevitable. There’s nothing left to say. I’m sorry.”
“Not as sorry as I am,” he mutters. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Lennon.”
“So do I,” I reply right as the line goes dead.
—-
“Lennon,” Starr saysas she taps on the bedroom door. “Can you come out here?”
“Give me a second,” I call back, slipping the towel from my wet hair.
It’s not much but at least today I got up, ate breakfast, and managed a shower, which is more than I’ve accomplished all week.
Something shifted when I woke up this morning. The pain is still there–the loss and grief–it all still hangs over me like a black cloud, but I think after a week of hiding out and letting myself mourn I’ve finally decided it’s time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and find a way to move past this. No matter how impossible that may seem right now, I have to believe it is possible. Otherwise what the hell am I doing?
Running a quick brush through my hair, I slip on a pair of yoga pants and an old FSU shirt before making my way out of the bedroom. Murmured voices are coming from the kitchen. I follow the sound until I’m at the end of the hall, where I freeze when one voice in particular hits me like a bucket of ice water to the face.
