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“I appreciate you taking my call, Starr,” he says.
“I did it for her, not for you. Don’t make me regret it.” The protectiveness in her voice is clear and even in my disoriented state I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have a sister that’s not only an amazing woman but also fiercely loyal and protective of everyone she loves.
“I won’t.” The words die on his lips when he looks past Starr to see me at the mouth of the hallway.
Even though I have this intense need to run away, I stand rooted to the spot.
His brown eyes trace my face, reminding me of how even just a look can warm me from the inside out. He looks tired, perhaps even more so than I do. His facial hair has grown out a bit over the last week and is now spreading down his neck. His white t-shirt is wrinkled like he’s slept in it more than once and his favorite black baseball cap is pulled low on his forehead. I swear he’s still the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.
“Don’t hesitate to yell for me if you need anything,” Starr says, passing me with a light squeeze to my shoulder.
“Okay,” I barely get out.
“Lennon, I...” Hudson starts the moment Starr is out of ear shot.
“Not here,” I cut him off, walking straight past him to the front door.
He follows me out on the front porch, taking a seat next to me when I slide down onto the top step. I don’t look at him, keeping my eyes locked on the large tree that sits in Starr’s front yard.
“I didn’t cheat on you,” he says after several long beats of silence. “Before this goes any further I just need you to know that. You can believe me or not, but I swear I would never do that to you.”
“Okay.” I choose to accept what he’s telling me whether I believe it or not. At the end of the day I’m not sure it really matters either way.
“I need you back, Lennon. I can’t do this without you. Any of it. You are the one thing that made all of this feel right and now...” He lets out a slow breath. “Now nothing feels right.”
“I know how you feel,” I admit. “But I can’t,” I say, finally finding the courage to meet his gaze, but not sure I have it in me to continue once I do.
How do you look at the man you love more than anything else in the entire world and tell him you don’t want to love him anymore?
“I can’t live like this, Hudson,” I push out, fighting back tears. “I thought I could. I thought I had it in me to be able to handle anything and everything life threw our way but I don’t. I’m not cut out for this life.”
“Is it because you don’t love me enough?” His question hits me like a knife to the chest.
“It’s because I love you too much. It’s because I refuse to let that love be tainted and twisted by jealousy and doubt until it’s not love I feel anymore.”
“What if I walked away from it all? The music, touring, everything. What if I left it all behind?”
“I could never let you do that. Music is a part of you. I could never ask you to give up a part of who you are for me.”
“But I will.” He angles his body toward me. “I will. None of it means anything without you.”
“I know it might feel like that now, but we both know that won’t be the case forever. You’d resent me eventually and then we’d be no better off than we are right now.” He reaches for my hand resting in my lap, and I don’t pull away as his fingers close down around mine. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about this and I truly believe that this is what’s best for us both. Our timing isn’t right and that’s no one’s fault. We knew it wouldn’t be easy and it hasn’t been. But I never dreamed it would be this hard either.”
“But you seemed happy. I thought I made you happy.”
“You do make me happy. And when I’m with you none of the other stuff matters. But when I’m not, which is most of the time, I’m not happy. I’m confused and worried, jealous and uncertain. I used to be so sure of everything. Of myself, my choices, my path. Now I feel like I don’t know anything. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I would give up anything to be with you, Hudson, but I won’t give up who I am. I won’t sacrifice the person I want to be. I can’t. Because if I do then I really have lost myself.”
“There’s nothing I can say to change your mind, is there?” His voice is filled with defeat and his gaze falls to where his hand is still wrapped around mine.
“No.” It comes out as barely a whisper and probably the hardest one word I’ve ever had to say.
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
“I love you.” His voice is hoarse, emotion raw behind his eyes when he looks back up. “I love you enough to give you what you’re asking. I love you enough to walk away even though every single fucking thing inside of me is screaming to pull you into my arms and never let you go.”
Tears are streaming down my cheeks before he’s finished and once they start, I wonder if they’ll ever stop. It was one thing to storm off in anger, to let that fuel my decisions. I had that to hold on to the anger so I wasn’t forced to face a truth I have been refusing to see for months. Now it’s staring me in the face. The brutal reality that we simply live in two very different worlds and neither quite fits in the other.
In a different time and place we could have been brilliant. A blazing star that would have burned for an eternity. But this isn’t a different time. This is here and now and this is the reality we are faced with.
