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He stands there looking at me for a long moment, indecision dancing behind his eyes, but then he does something I never expected. Without another word, he turns and walks away. His fists clenched at his sides is the last thing I notice before he disappears into the hallway.
——
Abel doesn’t come backto the hospital. He’s not there when the doctor releases me and he’s not at my house when I arrive home that evening.
I’ve picked up my phone to call him a hundred times over but then talk myself out of it. I don’t know why. I don’t know why talking to him feels so impossible.
“Fin.” Claire pops her head into my room as I lay curled in a ball in the center of my bed. “I made some grilled cheese and soup if you’re hungry.”
“I don’t want anything.” I try to mask that I’ve been crying by burrowing my face into the sleeves of my sweater.
“You haven’t eaten anything. Would you at least try?”
“I said I don’t want anything.”
Her footsteps grow closer as she crosses the room, the bed dipping under her weight moments later.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Her hand settles on my back.
“I’m dying. That’s what’s going on.” I sniff, my face hot with tears that I try to keep hidden.
“I meant with Abel,” she says hesitantly.
“Nothing is going on with Abel,” I bite, wiping my cheeks with the sleeves of my sweater before using it to cover my face again.
“Don’t shut me out, Fin. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I refused chemo,” I blurt, preparing myself for the backlash I know is to come.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I told the doctor I don’t want to do it again,” I say, pushing myself upright before tucking my legs underneath me.
Claire’s gaze dances over my red cheeks and swollen eyes and she immediately reaches for my hand.
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” she asks softly.
“If I thought I could beat this, if I thought there was a chance, of course I would have treatment. But you heard what he said. Chemo may buy me some time but that’s all it will give me. I’d rather have less time and feel like me than more time feeling so sick I can barely get out of bed.”
“Quality over quantity.” She says the very thing I was thinking when I made the decision to refuse chemo.
“Exactly.” I sniff, wiping my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweater again.
“And I’m guessing Abel didn’t like that choice?”
“He completely lost it. He was acting like I was making the choice to die by refusing the chemo. It’s like he doesn’t understand that I’m dying regardless and no matter how many times I said it, he wasn’t hearing me.”
“He’s in denial, Fin. He loves you and I’m sure the thought of losing you is beyond terrifying to him. I know how it makes me feel and I’m just your sister.”
“You’re notjustmy sister,” I disagree. “You’re my family. My best friend. One of the most important people in the world to me.”
“I know that. But what I’m saying is that he’s more. And you’re more to him. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he was the one dying?”
“Like I was dying right along with him.” A fresh onslaught of tears well behind my eyes and no matter how hard I try to fight them back, they spill over.
“Exactly.” She takes my hand. “I don’t know what happened between you two because I wasn’t there. But what I do know is how much that man adores you. Give him time to process.”
“Time to process?” I question. “Shouldn’t I let him go? Save him from having to watch me die?”
