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My fingers move along the strings before I realize what I’m doing. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, hanging onto the one thing that helps me empty out my emotions without completely falling apart. The one thing that’s always gotten me through. My music. Sadly, I’m not even sure music is powerful enough to get me through this once she’s gone. The further she fades, the less meaning life has. Some nights I lie awake watching her sleep, wishing God would take me too so I would never have to say goodbye.
“Life has a way of taking you down the path you’re meant to be,” I begin to sing. “I didn’t know I wasn’t living until you looked up at me. You smiled and right then I knew that you were the one. You stole my breath and my heart before the first song was done. But now you’re leaving me here and I’m not sure what to do. I keep asking myself how I’m going to live in a place without you. A place without you.” I hum out a part at the end of the chorus, not looking at Finley as I continue into the second verse.
“You took my hand and in that moment I felt like I could fly. I never stopped to question it or even to ask why. I knew with you was where I was meant to be. That’s where I’d spend my life. There was no greater feeling in the entire world than when you agreed to be my wife. But now you’re leaving me here and I’m not sure what to do. I keep asking myself how I’m going to live in a place without you. A place without you.”
My fingers move effortlessly along the strings as the song builds into the bridge.
“You gave me purpose. You gave me meaning. You gave me a place to belong. You made me see that I was enough. You are my perfect song. I’ll play you over and over again until my fingers bleed. Because you are the only thing in this world that I truly need. You are my world, my light, my life. You are my dream come true. I didn’t know that real love existed until I found you. But now you’re leaving me here and I’m not sure what to do. I keep asking myself how I’m going to live in a place without you. A place without you.”
I strum out the final chords, emotion stinging the back of my throat as I open my eyes and my gaze lands on Finley.
Tears slide down her cheeks in quick succession and she immediately reaches for me.
Setting my guitar to the side, I slide into bed next to her, pulling her close. She buries her face in my chest and for the first time ever, she falls apart in my arms.
She cries like I’ve never seen her cry before. The kind of cry that pours deep from your soul and completely takes over your body. It’s gut wrenching to witness and yet at the same time, I want it. I want all her pain. I want to absorb it into my own body and take it away. I want to save her, even though I know I can’t.
So I do the one thing I can do. I hold her. I hold her until long after her body stops trembling and her tears have dried. I hold her until she sleeps and even then I can’t bring myself to pull away.
I don’t know how many moments we have left. How many times I’ll get to hold her like this before she’s gone. How many days, or hours, or minutes I have left to feel her warm against me. To feel her breath hot on my neck. To feel her heartbeat pound inside her chest.
I blink, in an attempt to hold back the tears. Push them away like I have done so many times before, but this time I can’t find the strength to do so. I feel like I’m dying, being ripped apart from the inside out. I struggle to breathe, to pull in even the smallest amount of air, but it’s like my lungs have forgotten how to work.
I hold Finley tighter. Holding onto the only thing tethering me to this world. I can’t bear to think about her not being here. I can’t imagine a world without her smile and her laughter. I can’t picture who I’ll be without her.
As if sensing I’m fighting a losing battle, Finley stirs in my arms and her eyes flutter open, landing on my tear stained face.
“Abel,” she whispers, wincing as she reaches up and cups my cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you.” I choke on a sob, trying to reel it in, yet feeling like there’s no way to do so. This pain, this fear, has been building for weeks and now the flood gates are open and there’s no way to close them again.
“It’s going to be okay.” She lays her head on my chest and slides her arm across my stomach.
It feels so wrong to havehercomfortingme, but right now I need her to. I need her to tell me that everything will be okay. I need her to tell me that I won’t totally fall apart once she’s gone.
“How is any of this okay?” I rest my face against the top of her head, my tears flowing harder now.
“I’m grateful for the cancer because it led me to you. I’d die a thousand times over if it meant I could have even one day by your side. You told me that I was the love of your life. Well you, Abel, are mine. You are my everything. And when I’m gone, I won’t really be gone. I’ll still be here.” She kisses right above my heart where her name is etched into my skin. “I’ll be with you always. To experience everything. The highs and the lows. The failures and triumphs. I’ll be here to watchyoulive, Abel. And you’re going to have an incredible life. I just know it.”
“Not without you.” I grip her tighter. “Nothing will ever mean anything without you.”
“Then make it mean something.” She pauses. “Make it worth it. And one day, when you’re ready, open your heart to someone new. Let them help heal the wounds I left behind. Let them love you the way you deserve to be loved and don’t for one single second think that your happiness is somehow a betrayal to me. All I want for you is happiness. So when you feel it. When you really feel it, look up to the sky and know I feel it too. Because that’s what it means to love someone, Abel. You taught me that.”
“I can’t even think about loving someone else, Fin. I can’t imagine looking at someone else and not seeing your face, hearing your voice, feeling your soft touch.”
“I know it seems impossible right now. But one day you will find someone new and I need you to promise me right here and now that you won’t push it away. Embrace it, even if it scares you. Hold onto it and don’t ever let it go. Love is such a rare gift, Abel. Don’t keep yours bottled up inside. Promise me you won’t. Promise me that you will love again. Promise me that one day you’ll find happiness. I can’t leave you until you promise.”
“I don’t want you to ever leave me.”
“I’m so tired, Abel. I want the pain to stop. I want it all to stop. It’s time. You know it’s time. Now promise me. Promise me you won’t shut yourself off from the world. Promise me that you’ll live. For the both of us.”
I choke back the fresh tears that pool in my eyes and press my lips to the top of her head.
“I promise,” I whisper. “I promise.”
——
Finley died two dayslater. Claire and I were by her side when she took her last breath. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Watching her go.
