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Every day since has been like a nightmare. Whether I’m awake or asleep, I’m trapped. Trapped in the endless cycle of mourning that I can’t seem to escape.
I managed to pull myself together long enough to attend the service earlier this afternoon that Claire helped Finley prepare before she got too sick. But even then I didn’t feel like I was there. It’s like everything keeps moving around me but my entire world is standing still.
My parents decided to host a dinner at their house for Finley following the funeral. I think it made my mom feel better. To be able to help in some way.
Claire came, along with a lot of Finley’s co-workers from the restaurant. My brothers were all here and Adam even flew in from California.
I know they all just want to help. That they want to be here for me. But how can they? How can I let them when I feel like my very reason for existing is gone?
“Knock, knock.” Seconds later the door opens, and Claire peeks her head inside my childhood bedroom. “Hey.” She steps in and closes the door behind her. “Your mom said I could find you up here.” She turns, dropping down onto the bed next to me.
“I just can’t be around everyone right now,” I tell her, keeping my face pointed down toward the ground. I tighten my grip on the edge of the mattress in an effort to stop myself from doing what I’ve wanted to do since the moment I walked into this room twenty minutes ago. Which is take my old baseball bat and smash every last thing in sight.
“I understand. But it’s nice–having everyone come together for Fin. It would have meant so much to her to see how many people showed up. She never understood how easy it was to love her and just how many people did.”
“Yeah.”
“So about Finley’s ashes,” she starts, my gaze shooting to her.
“What about her ashes? We buried her ashes today.”
“No, we buried some of her ashes. I have the rest.”
“Why?”
“Because Finley told me to. She wanted half of her ashes buried with her headstone so that we would have a place to sit and talk with her whenever we wanted. The other half she wanted me to give to you. I left them downstairs with your mom. When you’re ready.”
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m just hearing all this now. Finley never stopped trying to protect me, even up until the very end.
“She left you a note too, so you’d know exactly what she wanted you to do with them. I’m sorry I’m just now giving it to you,” she says, reaching around to pull out a small white envelope from the back pocket of her dress pants. “But she made me promise to do it this way.” She slides the envelope into my hand and stands. “Finley loved you so much, Abel. So much that all she wanted was for you to be okay once she was gone. So do us both a favor and be okay. Okay?” She squeezes my shoulder.
When I struggle to find words to say, she continues, “It’s going to take time. For both of us. But I know one day I’ll get there. And I think you will too. Until then, take comfort in how happy you two made each other. Remember her smile, her laugh, all the things you loved most about her. Then instead of mourning those things, celebrate them. It’s what Finley would have wanted.” She releases my shoulder and crosses the room toward the door, pausing with her hand on the knob. “If you ever need me, Abel, for anything, please know that I will always be here for you,” she says, tugging open the door before disappearing into the hallway moments later.
I stare at the sealed envelope in my hand for what feels like an eternity. The only sound in the room is my heart drumming in my ears and the rip of the paper as I tear the envelope open and pull out the letter.
Unfolding the paper, it takes several seconds for my eyes to clear enough for me to make out the words on the page.
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My dearest Abel,
I’ve written this letter so many times in my head that it almost feels rehearsed as I put it on paper for you now. There are so many things I want to say and yet there aren’t nearly enough words to do it.
First, I want you to know how much I love you. Because of you my life ended with happiness and love, which is much different than the way it began. Thank you for that.
I never admitted this to you, but I fell in love with you the very first night we met. How could I not? You took one look at me and I felt my entire world shift. We only spent ten hours together. Thirty-six thousand seconds. Six hundred minutes. However you break it down, those ten hours changed everything. You changed everything.
I’ve told you before that I was grateful to the cancer because it brought me to you. No matter how much I wish our ending had been different, I wouldn’t change one single thing about our story. Because it was the perfect story. Maybe it didn’t end in the traditional version of happily ever after, but I think we came pretty close.
I left Claire with instructions to leave you with half of my ashes. I want you to take me with you, Abel. Keep me close. And when you’re ready, I want you to let me go. You’ll know when the time is right. And when that time comes, take me to the beach where you asked me to be your wife and sprinkle me into the water that once danced around our feet. Let me go, Abel. Let me go, and live. Live your life fully, fearlessly, and without limit. Live for us both. And never forget how much I love you.
Until we meet again,
Just Finley
––––––––
Iwant to ball theletter up. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to make sure she hears me when I tell her that I won’t ever be ready to let her go. But instead, I hold the letter against my chest and let the tears flow. I let the grief and sadness pulse through me like a heartbeat, not sure if I’ll ever find the strength to pick up the pieces now that she’s gone.
