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“I’ve been writing and stuff. I would never be able to give up music completely, but like many things, it reminds me too much of Finley. Most days it hurts too damn much. When I pick up my guitar and start to play, I look up expecting to see her sitting across from me, wearing that goofy smile she always wore when I’d sing to her.”
“The one where she looked so stupid happy you’d wonder if her face might split apart.”
“That’s the one.” I smile at the thought, something I wish I could do more often.
“God, she could listen to you for hours on end and never get tired of it.”
“I could play for her for hours and not tire of it. I loved watching her watch me.”
“You know, I used to think I knew what it meant to love someone. I’ve had boyfriends over the years, people I thought I was in love with. But it wasn’t until I saw you two together that I realized what true love really looks like. The way you two would look at each other, my god, it would take my breath away watching you together. Every relationship I’ve ever been in has been a struggle, an uphill battle trying to figure out the ropes, but you and Fin, you made it look so effortless.”
“Because with her it was effortless. I never had to try to love her. I just did. From the moment I met her all I wanted was to be near her.”
“She felt the same about you, ya know?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“So, when are you planning to leave?”
“My flight is tomorrow morning.” I lean back in my chair.
“And how long will you be gone?”
“I don’t know yet,” I admit.
“Would it be too much to ask if you’d text or call every now and again just to let me know you’re doing okay?”
“I think I can handle that,” I agree, knowing that’s what Finley would want me to do.
Claire is an amazing girl and we became good friends through Finley’s illness, but since Finley died I can’t stomach the thought of being around her. She reminds me too much of Finley and right now it’s too hard. Even sitting across from her for these few moments makes it feel like daggers are stabbing into my chest. On one hand I want to pull her to me, inhale her scent, pretend for one moment that she’s her sister. On the other, I can’t do that to myself or to Finley’s memory. I won’t. I won’t substitute her for even a second. I can’t.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you, have you had any luck tracking down Monica?”
“Not yet. Chuck’s monitoring the situation. Waiting to see if she pops up somewhere. If I find her, you’ll be the first to know.”
“Thank you.” She pauses. “By the way, I have something for you.” Claire grabs her purse off the back of the chair and rifles through it for a moment before pulling out a long silver chain with a compass charm attached to it. “I gave this to Finley when she first moved to Chicago. Told her it would help her find her way.” She extends the necklace in my direction, dropping it into my outstretched hand.
I stare down at the necklace for several long moments, not sure what to say.
“I think maybe you could use a little help finding your way.” She gives me a soft smile when my gaze comes to hers.
“Thank you,” I say, unclasping the chain before slipping it around my neck.
“She’d want you to have it.”
I run my thumb over the small compass charm, the weight of the necklace feeling foreign around my neck.
“I miss her every single day.”
“Me too.” Claire reaches across the table and takes my hand.
My instinct is to pull away from the contact but for some reason I don’t. I let her wrap her fingers around mine and I take a small piece of comfort in feeling connected to someone who understands my loss.
“You’ll find your way, Abel. And you’ll do it because it’s what Finley wanted. She’s with you, even if you can’t see her. Let her guide you. That’s what I try to do.”
“Does it help?” I ask.
“A little.” She shrugs. “Some days more than others. But even on the bad days I push through. I do it for her. And you need to do it for her too.”
