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“I can’t believe he came to see you,” she comments before I can get the words out. “I’ve tried texting him a few times but the asshole hasn’t had the decency to respond.”
My stomach dips further. She’s tried reaching out to him?
“Why were you texting him? Last time we spoke you still hated his guts.”
“Oh please, we both know I never hated him. I hated him so little that even after two years I’m still licking my wounds.”
“Wait.” My heart feels like a bass drum in my chest. “Are you saying you still have feelings for Alec?”
Why would she have not mentioned this before now? Was I ignoring all the signs because I didn’t want to see them?
“Duh.” She sighs. “As if you didn’t know that. He was my first love. Feelings like that don’t just go away because he up and decided one day that he didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
My mouth goes dry and I swear the room does a full three-sixty spin around me.
What have I done?
“Lu, I gotta go,” I croak out, panic rising in my voice.
What have I done?
“What? We just started talking. You haven’t told me anything about what Alec said. Did he ask about me? Is he seeing anyone? Tell me everything.”
What have I done?
“I’m going to be late for class. We’ll talk later.” With that, I hang up the phone without another word.
What have I done?
My breathing comes in short, quick spurts as the magnitude of my decision to sleep with Alec settles over me.
It doesn’t matter if I thought he and Lu were old news. It doesn’t matter that I had no clue she still harbored feelings for him. All that matters is that she is my best friend and I did something unforgivable.
It all makes sense now. How curt she was toward him those last few weeks of high school. How she tried so hard to pretend like she didn’t care. Why she submerged herself so deeply in the party life at college.Because she’s not over him.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
Knowing it now won’t make a bit of difference but needing to act. I pull up Alec’s name in my messages, my fingers flying across the screen as I type.
I don’t have time to think before I send. If I give myself even a moment to consider the repercussions, I know I won’t go through with it. But I have to. For Lulu. For me. For Alec.
Before I even realize that I’ve done it, I’m looking down at the text I can’t unsend, even if I wanted to.
Me:What happened last night was a mistake. We can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I think it’s best if we don’t talk anymore. It’s just too hard. Goodbye Alec.
Tears prick the backs of my eyes as I stare down at the message.
Knowing that when he responds, because he will, that I may not have the strength to follow through, I do something I never thought I would do. I pull up Alec’s number, block it, and then delete him from my contacts.
It’s rash, but it’s the only thing I can think to do. It was bad enough knowing that he and Lulu had been together. But now, knowing she still has feelings for him, there’s no other choice. I can’t see Alec. I can’t talk to him. I can’t hear him laugh and not want to be with him with every fiber of my being.
If I’ve proven anything, it’s that all logic flies out the window whenever Alec is involved. I can’t trust myself. So I have to remove him from my life completely.
There’s no other way.
And even though it breaks my heart into so many tiny pieces that I’m convinced I’ll never be able to put it back together; I know it’s the right thing to do.
Lulu is my best friend. Best friends don’t do to each other what I did last night. Best friends don’t lie to each other and they don’t keep secrets. Yet here I am, keeping the motherload of all secrets because I know the minute she finds out she will never forgive me.
I’m not sure what’s worse. That I did what I did or that I was too chicken shit to own up to it when I had her on the phone.
I’m going to tell her. I have to. And even though Alec is the only thing I’ve ever wanted, I can’t be with him if it hurts my best friend. That’s not who I am.
I wish I were more selfish. I wish I was one of those people that took what I wanted with little regard for others, but I’m not. I’ll never be able to live with myself if I don’t end this.
I just hope I’m doing the right thing. Because in this moment, I’m not sure of anything anymore.
