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“Well, I’m listening now,” I say dryly, preparing myself for what will likely be a massive waste of my time.
“Your mom, well, son, she was sick for a very long time.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re about to blame my mother foryouraffair,” I grumble, having to force myself to stay seated.
“Of course not. Of course not.” He shakes his head. “But I need you to be able to see the full picture.” He pauses, waiting to make sure I’m going to let him continue. “She struggled with depression for as long as I had known her, but it wasn’t until after she had you that things got really bad. She developed post-partum and for the first few months of your life, I could barely get her out of bed. She was hospitalized for the first time just after your first birthday.” He swallows hard. “I wasn’t prepared to raise you on my own but I did the best I could. After a few months of treatment, she came home and I thought that I had my wife back, that you had your mother back. But it didn’t last and deep down I think I always knew that it wouldn’t. For years it went on. Back and forth. Highs and lows. One day she would smile and laugh like the woman I fell in love with. Others, I hardly recognized her at all. I tried to shield you from it the best I could. You were so little, I don’t think you ever suspected that something was wrong. She pretended. I pretended. And after a while, it almost felt like that was how things were supposed to be. But it wasn’t, son. It wasn’t how things were supposed to be, and as selfish as this might sound, I wanted more.”
“So, then what was your plan? Keep mom here and get your kicks on the side without her knowing?”
“Your mother knew. Every affair. Every one-night stand. She knew. We hadn’t been intimate in years. She told me to do it. Encouraged me to satisfy my needs elsewhere because she wasn’t capable of doing so.”
“So you ran around fucking women and she was okay with it? You can’t really expect me to believe that.”
“It really doesn’t matter what you believe. It’s the truth.” He lets out a slow exhale. “I didn’t like it, but truth be told, I was so lonely. And yes, sleeping with other women helped, for a time, but eventually I wanted more. I wanted something your mother could not give me. I wanted a real wife. And that’s when I met Eve. It started out purely platonic. I confided in her about my situation, and she talked to me about her ex-husband who did a pretty good number on her. We were both in desperate need of companionship... friendship. But then things started to change. I fell in love with her. I didn’t plan for it to happen. In fact, I fought my feelings for months before accepting that I couldn’t deny them any longer. I told your mother before I told Eve. I hadn’t decided if I wanted a divorce. I had no idea how I wanted to proceed. All I knew was that I didn’t want to lie to her. The next morning I woke up to find a letter on my desk.” He tugs open one of the top drawers, rustling around inside for a few moments before producing a piece of paper. “I tried to talk to you about this more times than I can say. You never wanted to hear me. Maybe you can hear her.” He extends the paper to me and I lean forward to take it.
Flipping it open, my throat goes tight at the sight of my mother’s handwriting. Even after six years, I still recognize it. The soft strokes. The way hern’s curve at the end.
I let my eyes graze the page for several long moments before I start to read her words.
My dearest Jim,
I’ve known this day was coming for a long time now and while I was prepared for it, I didn’t realize it would hurt so much. You and our son have always deserved more than what I was able to give you and it makes my heart so full to know that you’ve found a woman that can be there for you in a way that I never could.
You have loved me so well, more than I ever deserved, and I’ll forever be grateful for the time we had together. For your patience and your love. And for Atlas. My sweet Atlas. I was supposed to be the mother, yet somehow he’s taught me so much more than I could ever teach him. The most important being how to love selflessly. How to give up everything if it means that the people you love can have the life they deserve. A good, happy life.
That’s what I want for the two of you.
I knew if I told you this in person you would convince me to stay. But I can’t stay, Jim. My mind is made up. I know, deep down in my heart, that this is the right thing for us all.
I need to focus on managing my illness without the pressure of always disappointing you. And you need to focus on making the best life you can for yourself and our son.
I know some will criticize me for leaving. Some will call me a coward and a bad mother, and that’s okay. Because I know leaving is the most motherly thing I can do for our boy. I won’t condemn him to a life of taking care of me. I’ve already taken way too many years from you. I won’t rob him, too.
Take care of him for me.
I love you both.
Haley
My throat feels like sandpaper by the time I finish reading. Never in a million years did I think that this is how it went down. My father told me she left. That she wasn’t happy in their marriage. A few months later he moved Eve in. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what that meant. Besides, I had heard the rumors about my dad and his affairs. I’d overheard my friends’ parents talking about how my mother had found out about my father’s affair with Eve and had enough. Every sign pointed to him being the villain.
But if I’m being honest, I knew something wasn’t right with my mother. I knew it from a very early age. And now it all makes sense. Why she would lock herself in her room for days. Why I would walk into a room and catch her crying. Why she would sit on the back porch in the rocking chair for hours on end and never move.
“You see, son,” my father clears his throat, “your mother didn’t leave you because she doesn’t love you; she left you because she does.”
“I don’t... I don’t understand why you’re just now showing me this.” I throw the letter onto his desk, anger starting to kick in. “For years I blamed you. Hell, I blamed myself. And all this time, you knew the truth.”
“When she first left, I didn’t think you were old enough to handle the truth. I know now how wrong that was. Because as you got older, I could see your anger. I could see the weight you began to carry. And then I tried. I tried telling you. So many times I tried. But you wouldn’t hear me.” He picks up the letter, folding it gently before sliding it back into the drawer. “You became distant from me. You pushed me away. And before I knew it, you were so far gone that you felt out of reach.”
“Had I known...” I shake my head, wondering how differently things would have been if I had known. Only, I’m not sure that’s true. No matter her reasoning, my mom still chose to leave me. And that’s enough to fuck up any child, especially when he’s given no real explanation.
But my father... I do think things could have been different between us. I’ve spent so much time hating him, I don’t even know what it would look like to tolerate him, let alone like him or maybe even love him.
“We can’t go back and change the past, Atlas, so don’t waste your time wishing you could.” He pushes to a stand and walks around his desk, taking a seat in the chair next to me. “I’m not perfect, son. And I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way. But I love you. You have always been the most important thing in the world to me.” He takes my hand, giving it a rough squeeze. “I’m not asking for us to pick up and move on like nothing ever happened. I know that’s not possible. But I would like the chance to be your father again.”
“I’d like that, too,” I admit.
“Jim.” My father and I turn to see Eve standing in the doorway. Her surprised gaze goes from me to my father and then back to me. “Oh my goodness. Atlas.” She holds her arms out, her stomach so big it looks like it might rip open at any moment.
