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It’s been five days since he referred to me as his fuck buddy. Three days since he tried to apologize. And one day since I told him to go fuck himself after giving him the silent treatment for as long as I could hold out. I’ve purposely done homework at the library and stayed at work so I wouldn’t have to go home. Or at least, I did the first couple of days until Travis started asking me about myboyfriendand I realized me hanging out there probably wasn’t sending the best message. Because no matter how angry I was at Atlas, as far as Travis was concerned, my boyfriend and I had never been better.
And while it’s true that he really didn’t say anything I didn’t already know, hearing him refer to me, to us, so casually, as if it meant nothing, was a slap in the face I wasn’t quite braced for. And while I am angry with him, I’m honestly more pissed at myself for letting this go as far as it has.
“Why? Fuck buddies don’t need to talk, do they?” I can’t stop myself from saying. At least my mouth has made an epic comeback. I was starting to think maybe she had gone dormant. Turns out, she just needed her favorite target to spit insults at.
“It’s not like that. You misunderstood...” he starts to say.
“Did I?” I cock my head to the side, arching a brow. “Then enlighten me, Atlas. What is it like?”
“You just... Fuck.” He takes a deep breath, his gaze momentarily going up to the ceiling before coming back to me. “You asked me something I don’t like to talk about and I didn’t handle it well.”
“You think?” I snort.
“I’m sorry, okay. I don’t know how many other ways I can say it. I’m sorry for saying what I said.”
“But are you sorry for meaning it?”
I watch his expression morph to somewhere between confusion and surprise.
“Barlow... I.”
“Yeah.” I hold my hand up to stop him. “That’s what I thought.” I turn my attention forward right as the professor announces the start of the lesson.
“Barlow.”
“Shhh.” I press my finger to my lips without looking at him.
He scoffs next to me but I keep my gaze at the front of the room and somehow manage to keep it there for the duration of class. Though I will say, it’s not without its struggles.
When the professor dismisses the class, I already have my things gathered. I make a beeline for the door and bolt outside, but much to my dismay, Atlas is right on my tail.
“Why are you acting like this?” he demands, grabbing my arm.
I stop dead in my tracks, swiveling to face him.
“You want to know why?” I grit out, grinding my back molars as I shake my arm loose.
“Yes.” He shakes his head adamantly, his messy hair falling into his eyes.
“Because you hurt me,” I allow myself to admit. “I didn’t expect love from you and I sure as hell never expected commitment, but I thought you held me in higher regard than just some average booty call.”
“What?” He pushes his hair out of his face. “Of course I don’t think of you as just some booty call.”
“Pretty sure that’s the definition of a fuck buddy.” I adjust the bag on my shoulder, the weight forcing me to lean slightly to one side.
“B, I didn’t mean it. Of course I don’t think of you like that. It’s just... Fuck... You asked me about Eve and the baby and I don’t know, I just panicked. I’m not good at talking about shit like that. My dad...” He shakes his head. “It’s not something I like to talk about.” His pained expression hits me like a knife straight to the chest.
I knew his home life was bad, I guess I didn’t realize it was this bad.
My resolve instantly softens, as does my expression.
“Then why not say that? Why not say it’s something you don’t like to talk about? Why did you have to come at me like I was doing something wrong by wanting to know more about you?”
“Because that’s what I do. I fuck things up. It’s my specialty, actually.” He reaches for my hand and for reasons I don’t fully understand, I allow him to take it. “I’m really sorry. Will you please forgive me?” He pouts out his lower lip. “I miss you.”
I look down at our hands, taking in the way his long fingers wrap around my slender ones. How somehow they are so mismatched and yet, fit perfectly together. Kind of like us.
“Well, I don’t miss you.” I try to keep a straight face but fail miserably, a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.
“Did we just have our first fight?” He grins mischievously. “Because you know, I’ve heard makeup sex is the best.”
“Is that what they say?” I drag my teeth along my bottom lip.
He nods seductively.
“What do you say we test that theory?” He tugs me by the hand and even though I want to resist, my feet move on their own accord. It’s like my body recognizes what it wants even if my mind is screaming that it’s a horrible idea.
And just like that, it’s like the last five days never happened.
I guess since I’ve already walked through the gates of hell, I might as well embrace the pain, because either way I’m going to burn for all eternity. Atlas Keaton is going to make damn sure of that.
