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“Like doing what your mother should have done. Despite how you came about. None of that ever should have been taken out on you,” she said, pointing for emphasis. “And what your father should have done—what Jesse should have done andwouldhave done if he knew. Be available to you. Be a parent.”
“I’m sorry, were you not beating my ass like two weeks ago?” I asked, letting out a dry chuckle. “Actually though… that’snotthat different than what I’m used to from a parent, so I guess you’re already on your way, aren’t you?”
She sighed.“I won’t pretend that was a proud moment, or that Carmen and I should be forgiven unequivocally for doing that to you. We didn’t know where your head was; we weren’t sure what you were here to do.”
I shook my head.“I didn’t even know you and Carmen were involved. I didn’t know Tati’s father was involved, outside of being connected to Jesse as friends,” I said. “I thought y’all were people he’d met afterwards, not that you were a whole crew who escaped together. A lot of my information was flawed—maybe by design, maybe not, I don’t know. But I was never here for Tati or Blue; it never occurred to me to hurtthem.I was forced to answer for what somebody else did. I wouldn’t do that to anybody else.”
“I understand that about you now, sure,” she agreed. “But then? What assurance did I have?”
I nodded. “None, and I get that. But you’ll have to understand if I’m not feeling particularly trusting after what happened.”
“I do,” she agreed. “And I’m not suggesting anything otherwise. But, just know that if you need that—if you want that—I will make myself available to you. I know that you know better than most what it means, being aRoseor aThorn. You know that you’re not always in control. And even when you are… not really, you know? But even in that, there’s still a sense of… responsibility.” She gave me a bit of a smile. “Were my actions my own? No. But I can still atone for them. So again, if you need to talk to someone, if you need a meal, if you need a hug. You can always come get it from me.”
I looked at her for a moment, considering her words before I nodded.
“I appreciate that. Truly.”
But… this wasn’t the time.
I knew she hadn’t come to the graveyard looking for me anyway; visiting her husband’s resting place was probably just part of her routine.
One I didn’t care to interfere with.
I left her to whatever words she needed to share with him and went back to my bike, back on the road to… just keep processing.
That’s all I could seem to do these days, just ponder, and deliberate, never arriving at any sort of meaningful conclusions. It was such a strange state to be in, after spending the last few years embroiled in such certainty about my mission.
First wanting to ensure the death of my father, then wanting to ensure the death of his killer, and then making sure none ofmyshit blew back on Tati.
I just didn’t know what to do with myself anymore.
Everybody said that it was okay to justbe, but just bewhat?
Could I really even be considered aThornanymore?
Hell, I wasn’t even unstoppable the way I used to be, from getting tased to gettingkidnappedto walking into enemy territory with no true strategy.
All rookie mistakes I never should have made.
If I couldn’t even really operate inthatmanner anymore, what use did I really have to anybody?
I couldn’t verbalize the question like that out loud to anybody I knew, not without causing them even more worry. That was the last thing I needed, to continue being a burden, emotional or otherwise, to the people who inexplicably gave a shit about me.
It was a fucked up position.
One I probably should work through by myself before inflicting…meon anybody. But I’d promised Tati I wouldn’t go ghost on her again, promised her I’d try, so I had to stick with that.
I was supposed to be having dinner at her place, so I showed up.
But I couldn’t keep my fucked up mental state off my face apparently.
“I think you should talk to somebody,” she suggested, halfway through the oven roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans I was enjoying the hell out of until then.
She’d been talking to me aboutPredatorbusiness shit, meetings she needed to have, and then suddenly… this.
I scoffed. “Like who?” I asked.
“Like a professional.” She shrugged. “I was talking to Alicia—”
