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The warm rumble of his voice?
Made me want to squirm.
Not to mention, he was pleasing to the eyes as he’d always been. Just… older, and more battle-worn. Those beautiful teeth and full lips, his exquisitely chiseled features artfully marred by the kind of scars you only got from doing risky shit…
I… didn’t know I had a “type” until right at that moment.
I’d finally pinned down what that “strange” feeling was.
Attraction.
“Nah, theprotector of the peoplething is not my style at all,” he answered, once he was done laughing, and looking at his empty glass. “But… I guess you already know that. I left you, and then… wasn’t there to protect you when I should’ve.”
The poignant regret in his eyes when he said that was almost overwhelming, so much so that I looked away before replying.
“It’s really not your fault,” I told him—and myself, because I’d needed the reminder on more occasions than I cared to remember. “It was kept under wraps, from everybody. How would you have known?”
“Ididknow,” he countered, and my eyes flew back to meet his, waiting for an explanation. “I mean… I didn’tknow… like the details of it. But before, I would hear whispers of your name, might catch a random glimpse of you on a Garden security monitor. But then… there was nothing. And I could justfeelthat shit, that something was off. That something was wrong. But I didn’t know who to ask, to keep either of us from becoming a target. I asked Tamra to put out some feelers, but you know how it was. There wasn’t anybody I could turn to for answers.”
I swallowed, hard, trying to process all of his words, but the thing I landed on to reply to was, “So… you knew Tamra?”
“Yeah. We… were as good friends as I guess any of us could’ve really been.”
I couldn’t help the dry laugh that leaped from my throat—actually,laughwas a much kinder interpretation for the wounded sound I let out. “So… youhadfriends then? And a Rose, at that.”
“Dee—”
“It’s fine.Really,” I lied, right to his face. “I don’t need you to explain. You did nothing wrong. We were kids, and you had orders, and nothing could’ve come of it anyway, right? It was probably for the best, that you killed any notion I might have about… whatever it was I had notions about,” I finished, too embarrassed by my juvenile fantasizing to even fully verbalize what I’d thought back then. “Imagine if we’d likedeach other.What a mess.”
“I don’t have toimagine.It’s seared in my memories.”
Those words made all the moisture disappear from my mouth. So I did what any normal person would do, and swallowed the rest of the contents of my glass, nearly choking on my ice.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked once I’d cleared my throat.
“Because I want you to know that it was never one-sided. I said what I said because Ihadto. It had to be killed and buried, Dee, because I thought… what if they did something to you, to get at me. To make me colder, to make sure there wasn’t anything I cared about, or so I’d know they could take it?” His jaw tightened as he stared across the room, some possible trauma playing in his head. “I was young and didn’t know any better way to do it. I just didn’t want you to get hurt because of me.”
I smiled—a sad, hollow one, but a smile, nonetheless. “If breaking my heart was the goal, you did a magnificent job,” I told him, with no malicious intent. “The thing is, though… I still ended up hurt. By you, yes, but… a lot worse, too. Things I can’t even think about, shit that only comes to me in nightmares. And you wanna know what’s crazy?” I asked, as the tears I’d been fighting finally started making their way down my face. “Even after you made me feel like I was crazy, even after you left… when I was at absolute rock bottom, wondering if I would even see the next day… I prayed for you, Zay. Because you were the only strong person I knew who gave a shit about me—maybe.I would squeeze my eyes shut, and pretend I was back at the Garden with you—training, or talking, or…whatever. And would pray so hard, that God would send you for me. That I’d open my eyes, and my nightmare would be over, and you would be there to save me. But you never came.”
“If I’d—”
“Don’tsay that shit again,” I hissed, louder than intended, drawing eyes in our direction. Immediately, I stood, heading out of the bar.
Of course, he followed.
“Dee—”
“I don’t—”
“Stop,” he demanded, not allowing me to speak over him again. He was taller than me, larger than me, and his golden eyes were narrowed, filled with frustration. Isiah was frightening, but I wasn’t afraid, not at all.
I was… brokenhearted,still, and tormented by my past, and rendered unworthy. I didn’t feel like those were things he could even begin to understand.
“Dee… I’m sorry,” he said, bringing my fingers to his lips to kiss my knuckles. And… somehow, from that simple gesture, much of the tension in my shoulders, the vexation in my chest melted away. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me. And that I broke your heart. And that… I was too much of a coward to come to you sooner. On my own—not because your sister asked me to watch over you.”
I frowned. “What?”
“Your face was on the news,” he explained, pulling in and pushing out a deep breath. “I saw you there, with Alicia. They were talking about you being Adam Pelletier’s daughters. It wasn’t even a new picture—it was from when you were kids. But I knew it was you. It was what brought me to Vegas in the first place. But I got there, and just… I couldn’t follow through.”
