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Chapter 10
I barely slept all night. I kept waking up, thinking I was dreaming that Cara hadn’t freely climbed into my bed last night. I know she only did it for Maddie, but still, she didn’t hesitate. Now I’m laying here, watching them both sleep, Maddie sprawled over Cara, her head resting on Cara’s chest, tucked under her chin, and Cara, her arm’s curled around Maddie. Only her right one is also curled around mine, her hand holding onto mine. She’d started to toss and turn a little a few hours ago, and I grabbed her hand to calm her down. She’s been holding onto it ever since.
Watching her soothes my soul. Nothing else matters. When she is around, her entire being, her presence, makes my spirit soar. The aura she gives off is like a drug that my demon craves.
I reach over and brush the hairs away from her face, just as Maddie stirs, and her eyes flicker open. “Shh, princess, Cara is still sleeping.”
She sits up, looking down at Cara, then gives me a sleepy smile as she curls into me. “She’s like Sleeping Beauty.”
The kid’s not wrong. Knowing there is no way this kid will go back to sleep, I grab her and head downstairs to give her some breakfast.
Maddie and I have breakfast then get ready. I cut up some fruit for Cara and make her a pot of decaf, then leave her a note on the counter letting her know I’m dropping Mads at home before heading to the gym with Kill. This will be the first time I’ve seen him since I took off after telling him about the shit with Da, and I’m not looking forward to it.
I’m pretty sure she’s awake, but I want to give her a bit of space this morning. I’m not sure how she will be feeling after staying in my bed last night, but it’s a conversation I’d rather have without the kid around.
* * *
“I half expected you to blow me off.”
“Uh.” He slams a solid left into my stomach, and I double over, breathless, just as he goes in for an uppercut. I slam my shoulder into his stomach and push into the cage, then follow it with a left-hand blow to his stomach and quick right to the face.
I let my guard down, thinking I have the upper hand, but he surprises me and sweeps my right leg away with his left, and I land on my back with a heavy thud.
“Fuck.”
“Never let your guard down, baby brother. I thought I taught you better than that.”
He grabs our waters, handing me mine, and takes a seat next to me. He watches, waiting for me to catch my breath. “I’m sorry, brother.”
“Why? Because I let you catch me off guard?”
“I’m sorry that Da treat you so shitty, that Ma let it happen, that we never knew, damn, I’m fucking sorry for it all.”
I shake my head. “Stop. This is not on you. You don’t have to apologise for anything, nobody does. It happened, it’s done, let’s move on.”
“How can we?”
His question throws me. “I don’t understand. Why can’t we?”
He takes a minute to answer, downing his bottle of water in the process. “We’ll never move on if we aren’t fully honest with one another. There are too many fucking secrets, we’re all too guarded. We’re family, blood, we should be able to trust one another…”
“We do trust each other, Kill. Just because we don’t share everything doesn’t mean that there’s no trust. Fuck, man, after everything we have been through, especially in the last year, Alex getting kidnapped, Rory dying, almost losing Ronan to his darkness, we’ve been through some shit, but we’re stronger because of it.”
“Finn, for fuck’s sake, you never once told us about Da, about how he used to treat you. About that fact that he didn’t think you were his.”
I get up from the mat and grab my things. I’m done with this conversation, but Killian following me tells me he isn’t. I wait until we are in the locker room before turning on him.
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to look at Da or Ma any differently. I didn’t want you to feel like you needed to apologise or feel pity for me.”
He throws his bag down and grabs both of my shoulders. “I’ll never feel pity for you, but I can’t say that I don’t look at Ma or Da differently, because I do. I’m pissed as hell at Ma for not standing up for you, and for not trusting me enough to tell me. And Da, well, I’m mad and disappointed in him. I’m sorry, brother, I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I can’t help how I feel. But you want to know what I feel the most? You wanna know what eats away at me every fucking night? The fact that I failed. I’m the head of the family, and when Da died, I was meant to take over his place. I never wanted to lead alone, but now I know I would never have been good enough. I should have seen it. I should have protected you.”
He lets go of my shoulders and takes a seat on the bench, his head in his hands. Taking a seat next to him, I grip his shoulder.
“Kill, you have to know that none of this is on you. We have to stop beating ourselves up for things that we think we are responsible for. Ronan was never responsible for protecting this family, and you are not responsible for knowing everything or protecting everyone. Each and every one of us plays a part in this family, and we are all equally responsible for everything.
“Somewhere along the way, we lost sight of the fact that we are family. We’re a unit, and we need each other. Now, how about we go grab our showers and you come back to mine and I cook us breakfast?”
He stands, shoving me away from him. “I’m not eating no healthy shit, Finn. I want grease.”
