Page 20 of Say It's Me

While being deeply loved by someone can give you strength, it can also be your greatest weakness, especially when you’re apart, and people use that love against you. While August and I haven’t expressed that we love each other there’s no denying the deep, soul-penetrating connection we share.

Mason is a few feet behind August, just standing there with his hands in his pockets, eyes locked on me, almost like he knows what my next move will be. It's as if he's already seen this play out, and maybe he has before. He's expecting me to run. That's why he's not trying to stop me.

The lyrics of the song ring out, and I hear the parts of the song Mason omitted. While he may have likened the lyrics to us being young and needing time to grow, the more relatable lyric may have been my inability to take advice. I did things my way, and for good reason.

Looking back, that's what I did. I didn't physically run, but I built up my walls and shut people out. I thought I was broken back then, but now I know that was never really true. Was I fractured? Maybe. Damaged? Sure…but I was always whole. Even in my darkest despair, I never gave up hope that I could make things different for myself. If I persevered, I could rise above my circumstances and live the life I wanted. I was running to Mason for comfort, not because I needed him to fix me. There was no advice that he could ever give me that I would have listened to. I was with him because in him I’d found someone like me. Someone who was lost, alone, and searching for more.

As more lyrics ring out my heart breaks all at once, because I realize all of this is my fault. I fell in love with Mason first. He never wanted this moment right here to happen.

But I was always there chasing his love. All this time, I thought I had to earn his love to prove to him that loving me would be worth it, but he was there loving me all along. Maybe it was the right love, but now it's the wrong time—either way, it was love all the same, and I didn't treat it right.

It may be too late for Mason and me, but I'm not going to make the same mistakes with August. If I want him, I need to let him try. I need to let him in, even though it scares me, even though I might get hurt.

Looking back at August, I see that his eyes are on mine, but he's not mad. It's like he fully understands why I want to run, and right now, I don't think he'd blame me if I did, but his eyes are begging me not to. That's when I hit the unlock button on the doors. His eyes dart to the lock before he bolts around to my side of the car, flinging my door open and pulling me into his arms.

"Don't ever do that to me again, baby. Please don't ever run from me."

As he holds me tighter than I think anyone ever has, I can feel the pounding of his heart, and I know I made the right choice. August was going to fight regardless of whether I ran or wanted his help, because that's what he's always done. Since the first day we met, he’s fought for me. He fought for me even when he wasn't sure he wanted to, and now it's my turn to fight for him. That must start with me letting him in. If I want to keep him, I can’t push him away.

Mason comes around the car and says, "I need to get back to my place to meet up with your mom and brother." His tone is short and clipped.

"August, can you give me a minute alone with Mason? I promise I won't run." I can tell by the tension in the arm he still has around my waist that he's not happy with my request, but he kisses the top of my forehead and lets me go. That’s why I can’t help but fall in love with him. August is possessive and demanding when he wants to be, but for me, he yields. While he wants to consume me, he also wants me to choose him, and desire him because it’s what I want and not what he’s demanded.

When Mason got in his accident, and he walked away simply because I asked it of him, I assumed he had given up, that what I thought we shared wasn’t as potent for him as it was for me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was taking my lead and giving me what I needed, and trusting that I would come back to him. August is so much more than I ever expected him to be. He surprises me at every turn, and maybe that’s because I’m not used to people proving me wrong. August doesn’t fit into any of the boxes I’ve constructed over the years, and maybe that’s because I’m not used to someone wanting to be my everything.

Mason

Six

I'm sitting in the driver's seat, one leg in the car and one leg out. Gigi wants to talk. The thing is, we don't have anything to talk about. She made her choice, and it's not me. I'm not going to grovel at her feet and beg her to choose me. I've kind of already done that more than once. What I am done with is playing nice. She wants truths, well, I have plenty.

"Mace, look, I'm sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. Everything has happened so fast, and you're the last person I want to see get hurt because of my shit life." She drops her head down and fiddles with her fingers.

"Gigi, that's a bunch of crap, and you know it. None of this would be happening if you had just chosen me. Right now, you would be going home with me to see your family. Your dad would still be alive.”

Her head snaps up, and her bottom lip trembles as she fights to contain the tears welling up in her eyes. I know that was a low blow, but it's the truth, and I'm not leaving anything unsaid. "They've been after my family all along, Mason. How is that fair to say?"

That's the thing about truths. We don't always like to hear them, and sometimes they hurt like hell. I shake my head and look out the window. I don't want to tear her down like this, I fucking hate this, but I want her to see what she's done. Ever since I've known Gigi, I've always wanted to rescue her, protect her, and make everything better. Somewhere along the line, I think I got lost in that desire. It consumed me. We were both broken in different ways, both searching for something, so when we felt like we had nothing, together we had everything. We could have had everything, but she chose wrong.

"You chose wrong, Gigi. Bottom line. The reason they came after you was because August took notice of you. They knew they had to keep the two of you apart so that their scheme would go undetected. Clearly, they've been watching you for years, making sure your parents were high enough that they never realized their money was there all along. If you had chosen me, your dad would still be alive. Do you know why? Because there would have been no chance of anyone unveiling their plan, but you just couldn't stay away from him. You could have been blissfully unaware that your dad was ever robbed, that those men were ever after you, and that you had money."

The more I talk, the angrier I get. I slam my fists on the steering wheel.

"Why can't you get it right just this once!"

I catch her startle out of my peripheral from my outburst.

I hear her clear her throat like she's going to speak, so I turn my attention to her. She steels her spine when she notices I'm now looking at her. The tears she was holding back have now been released, and I can see she's mad, but I know it's more than that. She's hurt that I would say those things to her, because growing up I never spoke to her that way.

Gianna would lay her problems at my feet, but I was nonconfrontational, I didn't want her to hurt, so I made her feel good. I would hold her until she stopped crying and kiss her until she stopped thinking. Now that I'm looking at her, knowing I'm the one that caused the hurt, I want to take it all back, but I won't. When she speaks, she tries to sound unaffected, but her words are meek at best.

"Mason, this right now is bullshit. Yes, I've made a mess of things, but you haven't been completely innocent in all this yourself. You know I always loved you, and you took your sweet time coming around, didn't you? It's interesting how you never wanted anything more from me until you felt like someone else might actually get what you thought belonged to you, what you thought would always be waiting. If you thought I didn't notice your odd timing of professing your love for me, you’re wrong. You and I both know that wasn't fair."

She's not wrong. All along, I've known what I was doing. I was trying to keep her from him and win her back. I knew he meant more, and I didn't like the fact that I was losing her, but that didn't mean I didn't love her or want her. I've already started this tangent, so I'm going to finish it. May as well get all the breaking done at once. I don't care to ever have this conversation again.

"You want to talk about fair Gigi. Was it fair when you kissed me for the first time hoping for it to change our relationship? Was it fair that we never got serious about anyone else because in the end, we always came back to each other? Was it fair that you claimed to be mine all this time, but I never really had you?"

That last line was a knife to the heart because it's the fucking gut-wrenching truth.

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