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Reaching for my beer, I see that it's empty. "Sure, tell me your thoughts, but I think we need some drinks first." I shake my empty bottle at her.
She smiles and bounces up. “I'll be right back.” I watch as she trots off to the food truck that had the beers.
This place is truly perfect. Maybe being here is exactly what I didn't know I needed. I would never let myself do something like this, namely because I couldn't afford to, but I might as well take advantage of it since I'm here now. Mason sent me away with one rule: no communication with anyone back home. He didn't say, ‘you must work, have zero fun, and definitely avoid the beach.’ That's it. My mind is made up. My ass will be parked on the beach every day until I can't stand it anymore.
Vivian makes her way back with two huge margaritas in hand. The fake IDs Mason made us months ago so that we could get into bars are really going to come in handy while we’re down here. I'll spend my days lounging on the beach, drinking away any fucks I had left to give. I’m beyond grateful that Vi tagged along. Without her I wouldn’t have my purse which contained some very important essentials like my wallet and birth control pills, but paramount to that I wouldn’t have her emotional support.
"I thought this conversation could use something a bit stronger." Rolling my eyes, I get comfortable on my beach towel. We sit in silence, looking out over the waves and sipping our margaritas for a while, letting the sun recharge us.
A few minutes later, Vivi is ready to talk. "You know I've always said that you and Mason were end game. Since we were kids, there's always been something between you two. I know he was your first kiss and vice versa, among other things. When we were younger, we used to talk about the crush you had on him. I remember we literally spent one entire summer trying to concoct ways to get him to be your boyfriend." She smiles at me playfully.
Wow, I had completely forgotten all about that. The summer we shared our first kiss, I became obsessed with trying to get him to be my boyfriend. While I never told him that's what I wanted, I remember hanging on his every word and overanalyzing every hangout, and every call. To say I was infatuated would have been an understatement. But of course, nothing ever happened, and I guess at some point, I just accepted the attention he did give me for what it was. I never felt like he used me for our make-out sessions, heavy groping, and dry humping. In those moments, I felt like I was his everything, but if that were true, why were we nothing more?
"When you tell me about August, and the instant chemistry you felt for him, the deep soul connection you have with him, as if your inner self recognized him before you did... I can't help but feel like maybe he's the one. Maybe all this had to happen so that you could finally be free. I think subconsciously, you have always been holding out for Mason, waiting for him to reach for more, because deep down, you always wanted that. Now that he's offering it, you're struggling with walking away from something you always wanted for something new and unknown. In the end, there are no guarantees with either choice. Either relationship could succeed or fail. I know you're not blind to Mason's secrets either. I've told you about the side of him you don't get to see. When we've crossed paths at school parties, he would be fucked up, and he always had some slut on his arm. Again, I know you guys have never been exclusive or anything, but you shouldn't feel bad about not holding out for someone who didn't hold out for you. Even if the sex thing isn't a deal-breaker, maybe the fact that he never talks about that side of him should be. I think you know in your heart what you want, but you feel guilty for wanting it. My advice is always to be authentically you, because, at the end of the day, not everyone will like you, anyway. The least you can do is like yourself."
She's not wrong, meeting August has been a catalyst for change. He has shaken up my whole world and pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I thought I had my future figured out. I did all the right things, colored inside the lines, got good grades, and a job that would help support my dreams. I would go to school at night and work during the day to pay for it. Once I had my degree, I would land my dream job, and then after that, I could start dating. Not before, because that would be a distraction.
I swore myself off August because he was bad news. The CEO's son, rich, arrogant, brash, and off-limits. He and I could never be; it would ruin my reputation, I'd lose my job, and all for nothing because he would get tired of me. He can get any girl he wants and I'm a nobody from nothing, easy to forget. I was willing to bury my feelings for him and walk away, but he fought me at every turn. Even after August found out who I was, he still couldn't stay away. He still looked at me with a fierce hunger in his eyes, like he didn't want to keep his hands off me, like being apart caused him physical pain. From the start, August knew what he wanted, and that was me. Nothing else mattered if I was his.
"You and August both tried to push each other away, but neither of you could resist the other, and I think that is because you are not meant to. The best things in life come to us when we are least expecting them. Don't pass up your future because you can't move on from your past. Mason had a long time to make his move, and he didn’t. As much as that breaks even my heart, I think there is a reason for that. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves you, but maybe not enough, or maybe not in the way you need to be loved."
There is a lot of truth to what she is saying, and I can't say for sure why Mason never made his move. Sure, he gave me reasons like, we were young, and he thought we had time, but a part of me thinks it was more than that. The night he finally admitted he wanted more, he sincerely looked broken by the fact that I wasn't jumping at his offer. It was as if the roles were suddenly reversed, and he was the one wanting me with all he had, and all I could do was pause.
I'm hard to love, I'm a mess, and I know I was emotionally unavailable. I knew I had a lot of baggage with my family drama, and that's where I'm sympathetic to the role he played in my life. When I found out about Mason's drug use at parties, I was upset but I never called him out on it. I hoped maybe he would tell me himself, but I think because he knew how drugs royally fucked up my entire life, he kept that part hidden from me. As far as the girls, we never asked for details about the other people in our lives. Mason knew about all my secrets, but that’s because I openly shared them with him, but I never pressed him to share with me. Looking back, I know it's because I would have been hurt. It stung knowing that other girls had something I didn't, but again I was willing to take what he gave me. However, when we were together, I felt cherished. Mason was always trying to fix me and make me feel better because he knew things were so shitty at home. He was my happy place. Even on the night that I almost gave him my virginity, his words were, "Babe, I want to make you feel good."
That's what he always did. He made me feel good, but what about him?
What value did I add to his life?
When I found out about the wreck, I rushed to his side, and I was ready to be his. I was going to commit and give him what he asked for, what I thought I always wanted. Being with Mason would be easy, but that doesn't mean we are good for each other. While we love each other, I'm not sure that it's the right kind of love.
The love I've always dreamt about accepts every part of you. It has no reservation, no pause, it has no limit on when it should materialize, it just is because there's no choice. I know this now because there was never a choice with August. He consumed me from the moment I met him. Even when I tried to push him away, I couldn't because my heart knew what my mind wasn't ready to accept. I was all in. I was his.
August knew what he wanted, and he wasn't afraid to take it. He was always so sure that I would be his. He told me as much from the beginning, and every time I heard it, I believed it a little more, and now I know it's true.
Taking a deep breath, I lay back on my beach towel and put my hands behind my head. When I close my eyes, I inhale the salty sea air, and let my lungs expand with resolve knowing that on the exhale I am releasing all the doubt, fear, and insecurity that I've been carrying with me, telling me I don't measure up. I know there's no more question about who my heart wants, and I'm done being divided.
"I don't think you're wrong, Vivian, but it doesn't mean it makes anything easier."
In the end, none of this is easy, matters of the heart never are. Vivian lays back on her towel, and we spend the rest of the afternoon lounging on the beach until the shop closes and the guys pick us up to head home.
Mason
Three
LastSaturday,AugustandI went to the Bradbury Estate to confront Carson about what she knew regarding Ethan's newfound obsession with Gigi. Unfortunately, that was a week ago, and it was the last time I saw August.
When we showed up at the estate, I told August I would hang back in the car. I didn’t need to be in the house when he confronted her. She didn’t know me, and my presence would only guarantee no helpful information would be shared.
What I wasn’t counting on was him not walking back out.
That night, after I had decided way too much time had passed, I decided to case the house. Looking through the windows, it appeared as though no one was home, but the lights were on. Once I made my way around back, Ethan’s ostentatious Bugatti Chiron caught my eye. That’s when I decided to high-tail it back to the car and see if I could hack the security system.
Hacking the home security system would be child’s play. While looking through the windows I caught sight of one of the cameras and it’s a brand that notoriously gets hacked just because techies know they can do it and fuck with people. It would only take me a few minutes and I could easily do it from my phone. My hope was that there would be cameras inside as well so I could get eyes on August. To my delight, there were. Once I had the feed pulled up, however, I saw nothing. The house was empty. Knowing that wasn’t possible, I then had to hack into the servers that stored the footage so I could rewind the feed. Hacking into servers is a lot easier with a computer. It took me longer to do that from my phone but I’ve been honing my skills for years. After about thirty minutes I finally got in and rewound the feed to the time when August would have entered the house.Bingo.
When August arrived, he and Carson disappeared into the kitchen. Not liking the fact that there is no sound and I'm not a lip reader, I spend a little more time trying to hack into the audio.
Carson pours two whiskeys and slides one across the island to August.
