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32
CERYS
Ella paddlesat the edge of the surf, filling her bucket with water. She heads back to where I sit on the rug with Liam and pours the water into the moat by her sandcastle. Ella’s face is pink so I reach out to touch her cheeks, which are too hot. She’s not spent time in strong sun, so our last day on the beach will be short.
I sit between Liam’s legs, resting my head against his warm, naked chest. Encompassed by Liam and this life, reality retreated, but is returning the way the tide edges toward us.
“Are you sure you won’t stay longer?” he asks.
“I think the longer we stay, the more Ella will settle into this and the harder it will be to explain this was just a holiday.”
“You could stay here as long as you wanted though,” he presses.
“She starts school in a few weeks. In Cardiff.”
Liam’s hot breath huffs against my neck. “I guess.”
I twist and see the disappointment in his eyes. “We keep having this conversation.”
“I don’t like being away from you.”
My heart swells. “Wherever I am, you’ll be away from me sometimes—that’s your life. So, I’d prefer to be somewhere I’m comfortable when you are away.”
“Like a Malibu mansion?” he asks, poking me.
I pull a ‘stop talking about this’ face and place my lips on his instead. “Like a terraced house in Cardiff.”
“Ugh. Cerys. Not the asshole’s house. I’m going to buy a place in Cardiff.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. Suit yourself if you don’t want to live there.” He rests back on his arms again, the muscles in his biceps flexing as he does.
Wanting to avoid an argument, I go to Ella, and crouch down to help her with the moat. She’s frustrated that the water seeps away however hard she tries to fill the space. In the last couple of days, Ella’s moodier with darkened smudges beneath her eyes. The holiday excitement is having a bad effect on her behaviour—she’s spoiled.
“Ten more minutes, then we need to finish packing your things,” I tell Ella.
“I want to stay here,” she says digging furiously with her spade.
“I know, but we have to go home. Daddy misses you.”
Craig calls every day, demanding answers about why I took Ella to the States without telling him and insisting on talking to her. Strange how his sudden interest in Ella coincides with something happening outside of his control. I don’t understand his behaviour because he knew we were going away. Craig insists he’s coming over to the house as soon as we get back to Cardiff. We land in the morning and I protest how selfish he is because we’ll be tired.
Craig laughed saying I’m selfish one. I cut the call dead.
The sunlight bounces off the blue of the Pacific, the horizon meeting the ocean and the sky clear of clouds. I’m in a dream I’ll wake up from. Eager to feel the warm water on my feet one last time, I head to the shoreline and let the waves lap over my toes. Liam joins me and holds my hand.
The simple gesture, the gentleness of his touch, and warmth of his presence drags reality back. We’re leaving all this behind tomorrow and a few days after that, we return to our individual worlds, only seeing each other occasionally. I’m tangled with Liam’s life and the thread pulls me into knots. I fight the coming tears but one escapes.
“Cerys? What’s wrong?” asks Liam.
“This hurts,” I say quietly.
“What hurts? Are you okay?”
The words I’ve bottled up as they’ve grown in my mind over the last couple of days stumble out. “Loving you hurts because I know one day this will tear me apart. And when that happens, you’ll break Ella’s heart too.”
“I don’t understand. I’m not going to hurt you,” he says gently.
