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“Can we pause things for a little while?” she asks in a small voice.
“Pause? I can’t pause, Cerys! It’s bad enough when I don’t see you for a week!”
Cerys stares at the ground. “We paused things for nearly six months.”
“No, we didn’t. That wasn’t pausing. That was losing each other because we didn’t fucking communicate.”
“Liam, I’m sorry. I have to think about Ella.”
“What about you? Think about you!”
“I am!”
“Then think about us.”
“I am,” she repeats softly.
“No, you’re not. Don’t you care how I feel?”
The park is quiet, just a few people gathered on benches closer to the playground equipment, but Cerys looks around, uncomfortably. “Of course I do,” she says.
“Look at me.”
“Please, Liam, can we talk about this later?”
I’m confused—anger building that the fucking dickhead is screwing with us. “You started the conversation.”
“I didn’t expect you to react like this. You’re away some of the time anyway, just stay away a bit longer?”
“Do you understand what you mean to me?” I ask, touching her face but she continues to stare at the grass. “Look at me!”
“Liam.” Her voice pleads me to stop, but I refuse to let her ignore this.
“Cerys, I’m in love with you. I’d go to the fucking moon and back for you, but I won’t leave you when you need me.”
Cerys wraps her arms around her head and I stare in shock. Doesn’t she feel the same way?
With awesome timing, Ella appears, face flushed from play. “What’s wrong with Mummy?”
Cerys looks up and smiles at her daughter. “Nothing, baby.”
But Ella can see the tears as easily as I can and she scowls at me. “Did you make Mummy cry?”
“No, I didn’t. She’s sad because she worries about you.”
“But I didn’t fall. I’m a good climber.”
Cerys laughs. “I know. We should buy ice-creams now.”
Cerys switched off and shut me out so easily. The heart-rending realisation shifts my world from the balanced centre I had—Cerys doesn’t feel as much for me as I do for her.
We buy ice-creams but I can barely eat mine. I’m dazed by her out of the blue decision. Nothing more is said and I know until Ella is out of earshot, the topic won’t be discussed again.
Cerys hints at me dropping her and Ella home then leaving straight away, but she doesn’t escape this so easily. I take them home and position Ella in front of the television. If we talk anywhere downstairs, Ella could hear us so I storm upstairs.
“Where are you going?” Cerys calls after me.
“Come here and talk to me,” I call back.
