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Outside our bedroom window, children play on bikes in the street, cars parked in driveways of identical box-like houses. Worlds apart from mine. Have I made a mistake trying to be part of Cerys’s world?
“I’m sorry, Liam,” says Cerys, as she hovers in the doorway, as far from me as she can.
“Every time I tell you that I love you since we came back from the States, you pretend not to hear,” I say.
“I do hear.”
“Then why don’t you ever respond?”
“Now I’m back in reality, I worry if I give my whole self to you, you won’t want me anymore.”
“You have my heart, Cerys. I left it with you at Christmas. Why do you think I came back and I’m still in the UK? I want to be as close to you as I can. I want you.”
Cerys fold trembling hands beneath her arms. “Please, can’t we just pause again?”
“How? How can I pause the way I feel about you? I can’t switch on and off.”
“Then end this.” Her voice is thick, tears brimming in her eyes.
“No!Youend this if you’re sure you don’t love me.”
Cerys runs her fingers through her hair and holds tight. “I do love you, Liam. But I love Ella more. I can’t do anything that would threaten her happiness. Ella’s dad already messed around with her life—I won’t let him do that again.”
“But what about you? What about your life?”
“Sheismy life.” Cerys breaks, tears spilling as her face falls into the sadness she’s held back. She slumps onto the bed. “My life went on hold at sixteen—she’s now the centre of my world.”
What do I say? There’s so much wrong here. She stayed with Craig in a loveless relationship because of Ella. Now she’s pushing me away. I don’t believe our relationship is as big a threat as Cerys says. Underlying all of this is her fear of getting close to me.
“You can live your own life and still love her,” I say. “Don’t throw this away.”
“I’m not. I just need time out until this mess is sorted, Liam. Please. I don’t want to lose her.”
I sit next to Cerys on the bed and take her hands in mine. She’s avoiding looking at me again, but I want her to see what she means to me. “Did I not stay with you enough? Am I not showing you how much you mean to me? I try.”
“Sometimes, I think you try too hard, Liam,” she says softly.
“I try too hard to show you I love you?” I ask, stunned that someone could see that as a problem.
“You try too hard to fix everything. I know how much you care about the people around you and that you want their lives to be easy, but you end up making bad decisions.”
“Bad decisions about what? You’ve lost me.”
Cerys takes my hand. “Don’t get mad with me for this.” The wary look in her eyes worries me – so sheisabout to end this? “When you told me about Honey, you said what a mess she was and how you wanted to help her. You made this sound like you wanted to marry Honey to look after her, not because you loved her.”
I drag my hand away. “What the fuck has this situation got to do with Honey?”
“This.” Cerys waves her hand, indicating the room. “Me. My life’s a mess. Sometimes I think you’re trying to fix me.”
“That’s bullshit, Cerys. I’m doing all this for you because I love you.”
“I’m not saying you don’t love me but I sometimes worry that I’m a new Honey—someone else for you to look after.”
“Stop talking about Honey. You’re nothing like her.Thisis nothing like her. Why are you saying this?”
“Because if you’re too busy looking after me, you’ll stop loving me!”
I reel. “What? How?”
