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Hannah appears ten minutes later with another cold beer and glass of wine, and then joins me without speaking.
The glass chinks against the table as Hannah sets her glass down and passes me the beer.
“Where’s Connor?” I ask.
“He fell asleep.”
Frowning, I finish the beer and pick up a second bottle. “Is he okay?” Hannah looks at me as if I’m crazy. “Okay, stupid question.”
Pointing at my phone, Hannah asks, “Was she not home again when you called? Normally you’re outside talking to her at this time.”
“Avery?” I don’t want to talk to Hannah about this. “It’s complicated.”
“See things from Avery’s point of view, Bryn.”
“What do you mean?”
“I heard some of your conversations recently. I wasn't eavesdropping, you were loud.”
I look away and drink my beer. “I'll be quieter next time.”If she ever speaks to me again.
“You need to tell everybody what you intend to do. Connor thinks you're here permanently.”
My chest tightens at the conversation I didn't want to face. “I know. I can be here now and then later we can decide?”
“You're being unfair to Avery.” She pauses. “And me.”
“To you?”
Hannah twists the wine glass on the table. “I'm as confused as you are about everything. I'm in a weird dream. Sometimes I feel as if the last eight years have been a weird dream too.”
I shift around to face her. In my eyes, she's the Hannah from years ago but carrying the weight of the Hannah who exists today.
“Why did you hide Connor from me for so long?”
“I told you, I hid him from myself too, Bryn.” She sips her wine. “I wasn't very mature, even for a sixteen-year-old, and I was terrified. When Mum took over, I coped by switching off and pretending he was my brother.” She gulps her wine. “Even when I met you again, I had the same denial. In my head, the two of you weren't connected. You were the Bryn I left in Wales, not the father of a baby I denied was mine. I told you this before, please don’t make me go through everything again.”
“You didn't want…” I can’t say the words. “You know.”
She shakes her head. “It was too late even if I’d wanted a termination. I denied the pregnancy to myself, and it was six months before my parents found out. Even then I pretended it wasn’t happening, locked in my lies that the baby wasn’t real.” Her voice is low, and she stares at the floor. “I'm a bad person, Bryn,” she whispers. “I didn't love him. I didn't want him.”
“But now, look at you and Connor now. You obviously do. You’re doing everything you can. The love you have for Connor is unmistakable.” A tear escapes Hannah's eye and I shift closer in alarm. “It's the past, Hannah. People will understand why you felt like that.”
“Sometimes I think his illness is somebody punishing me, taking him away now I love him.” Her voice cracks.
“You know that's not true,” I say softly and place my hand over hers.
She jerks at my touch and I curl my fingers around Hannah’s hand, wishing I could rewind and help her through everything she's struggled with in the last eight years. Would I have made a difference?
“I'm sorry,” she says, looking up, eyes shining with tears. “I denied you so much of each other’s lives.”
“We found each other now.” I squeeze her hand. “I'm lying if I say I understand or I’m okay with the decisions you made, but we need to focus on Connor now.”
Hannah pulls her hand away and wipes her face with the back of her hands as she looks away. Her honey blonde hair shines in the light coming from the spotlights above, and as I look at her, I fight the words inside. I almost said focus onus. I could make this better by giving Connor and Hannah what they need.
But the thought churns my insides as I grasp onto the place I built with Avery, wishing to hell I knew the right thing to do.
Tegan said follow my heart, but when my head and guilt interferes, I don’t know which direction to go in.
