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“I just need to make sure I didn’t cover her face with the blanket. I’m just going to make sure she’s okay.”
I held her eyes. “I’ll buy a video monitor tomorrow. Set it up on the dresser. You need to sleep.”
She hesitated.
“Would you like me to check on her?”
Her shoulders slumped in relief.
I yanked back the covers. “In you go.” I tucked them around her, then went to check on my daughter.
And I wondered if I should wait for her to share, or if it would be better to start reading.
Chapter Forty-One – Easy
Minty
The next couple of days passed smoothly. Lucky waited downstairs while I put Brayleigh to bed, then he ran up and checked to reassure me. I wrote down the steps I needed to take to reach the ultimate goal of putting Brayleigh to bed without giving into the compulsion to check. Step one was putting her to bed by myself. It didn’t matter that Lucky followed up, my job was to stay in the room with her, lay her down, and walk away. Once that became easy, it would be time to take the next step.
In the mornings, the three of us spent time cuddling and playing in our bed. Lucky’s presence made it safe and allowed me to enjoy that sweet time. My job was to stay with them, in my pajamas, without the armor of my daytime clothing.
When we took her out in the car, I put her in her car-seat each time and Lucky would check. Except for one time, a time I chose when Lucky would not check.
I began to dream of excursions where I took Brayleigh to the park by myself or brought her with me to visit one of my girls. I wanted to introduce her to Yiayia.
Wednesday morning when I woke, Brayleigh lay nestled between us fast asleep. Torment’s icy fingers touched my chest.
Did you touch that baby?
I closed my eyes, misplaced anger aimed at Lucky coursing through my veins. Taking a deep breath, I worked to settle my nerves. He didn’t know. Of course, he didn’t know. What normal person would think this was a problem?
Brayleigh flailed in her sleep, her foot coming to rest on my lower abdomen. My body jerked in shock.
You like that.
I shrank away from her and gently picked up her ankle to move it onto the bed beside me. Turning my back so she wouldn’t inadvertently touch me, afraid to get out of the bed in case she rolled off, I lay stiffly and battled my demons.
Battle. To battle OCD, successfully, is to lay down your arms, drop your defenses, tie yourself to a chair, and smile as it beats you. You fight by refusing to fight.
Did you touch that baby?
Maybe you did something while you slept.
You liked it when her foot touched you.
Erase it. Erase it.
One, two, buckle my….
Resist the compulsion.
Take up your arms by laying them down.
Smile.
Breathe.
Did you touch that baby?
