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"No." I sat there biting my bottom lip. "No, are you sure you have the right results? Dammit." I closed my eyes tightly, trying to fight off tears.
"Sophie. It's okay to be upset." She placed her hand on my knee.
"Dammit, just tell me, are you sure?"
She nodded. "Yes, Sophie, I'm sorry. There is no baby." She was silent for a couple of minutes. "You know, sometimes, when we want something so bad that we—"
I held out my hand up to stop her. I didn't want to hear any more. "Well, then, I guess there is no reason for me to take up..." I swallowed hard. "Any more of your time." I grabbed my coat and purse and was just about to head out the door when my eyes began blurring and my head began throbbing. I stopped and pinched the bridge of my nose.
"Sophie."
I inhaled deeply, turning and looking towards her, nodding through tear-filled eyes, and took off down the hall. I rushed out of the office and down to the parking lot, taking the stairwell so that I didn't have to be in the elevator at the same time with anyone for fear I couldn't hold back the flood of tears that I felt coming on. There was no way I would be able to look at anyone. I ran across the parking lot to my car, quickly unlocked the door, and climbed in.
I slammed my door shut, threw my purse into the passenger seat and buried my face in my hands and let it all out. The final nail had been hammered in. I wasn't pregnant. I had slept with my best friend at first in hopes of becoming a mother, and it had been all for nothing. Instead, I had fallen in love with him and couldn't even tell him. I didn't even have him to hold me through all this heartache, because that was what it was, pure and total heartache. I felt as if a part of me had died and that no amount of time would fix me.
I had taken my time after my appointment to drive back to the office. It was now a little after seven, and I sat in my office with my door closed. I had struggled my way through the last appointment of the day that had been waiting for me when I had gotten back. My work day was over and now I sat with a hot cup of chamomile tea trying hard to concentrate enough to be able to go over the client file for my appointment tomorrow morning. All I really wanted was to go home and curl up in bed, put the heating pad on, and zone out in front of the TV.
I looked to my cell phone that sat on the corner of my desk, the little blinking red light reminding me that I still hadn't contacted Chase after I received the news. I really didn't have any desire to talk to him or anyone. I reached for a scrap piece of paper to make a quick note when I heard a loud, deep voice out in the hall. As the voice crept closer and my anxiety built, I was about to get up and see what was going on when my door opened and Chase strode in, Marie following behind him.
"Sir, I can't let you interrupt her...I told you, she asked for privacy. I'm sorry, Sophie, he came barging in and wouldn't stop, even after I told him you weren't taking any more clients tonight. I didn't mean to have him interrupt you. I know you said you wanted not to be bothered."
I looked into Chase’s blue eyes and instantly felt a fire deep in the pit of my stomach. I glanced to Marie who stood there ringing her hands. "It's fine, Marie." I smiled weakly. I met his blue eyes again and sat back down behind my desk. Marie nodded and pulled the door closed behind her, leaving us alone.
"What the hell? Is she your own private security or something?" Chase chuckled.
"Chase, I had asked not to be bothered. She was simply doing her job," I bit out, closing the file on my desk and shutting down my laptop, then shoving both into the bag that sat at my feet.
"Do you have a minute?"
"Not really. I need to get home and get this work completed. I have an early morning tomorrow, and I am really very unprepared for it." I grabbed my coat and threw it around my shoulders.
"Listen, just give me a minute. I sent you a message today, and you didn't respond, but I've been thinking. I want to be a part of this pregnancy. I want to help you in whatever way you need. I know I said I didn't, but I do. I want to help you decorate the nursery, buy supplies, change diapers, and have my allotment of baby time."
I looked into his blue eyes, which were now filled with so much hope, want, and excitement that I didn't know what to say. It was enough that I was crushed, but now to have to face that crushing look in his eyes, an indescribable feeling came over me. I had no words. Nothing I could say would make it less painful, so instead I just stood there staring back at him.
"I want to be there for the next doctor appointment, for all the appointments, especially the ultrasound. I want to be there to hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I just need you to tell me when and where to be, and I'll make it happen. I want to be there for all the firsts. I want to be there for you when you deliver, when you go home. I want to be there to see his or her first steps." He pulled his phone from his pocket and flipped until he found what he was looking for. "First, we will start with the next appointment. Tell me when and where." When I didn't say anything to that, he looked up and met my eyes.
"Why the sad face? I thought you would be happy to have some sort of support system. Some help..."
I let out a sigh. "I would be grateful for the support system, but it doesn't matter, Chase." Those were the only words I could get out. I swallowed hard, continuing to pack my bag so that I could avoid what I knew was coming, what I knew had to come. I had to tell him, but honestly, I didn't even know how.
"Sure it does. Why would you say that?" He set his phone on the desk and approached me. He placed his hands on my arms, stopping me from what I was doing. He placed his finger under my chin and raised my head so he could look into my eyes.
The longer he looked into my eyes, the more my eyes burned, and I tried so hard to muster up the courage not to cry, but as soon as I blinked, a tear slipped from the corner, giving me away. "It doesn't matter, because there isn't a baby. It didn't work. I'm not pregnant."
I could see the stunned look in Chase's eyes, and then I slowly felt his hands slip down my arms as the words hit him full force. "But...that's impossible."
"But nothing. It's not impossible. There is no baby. So you're off the hook. You don't need to pretend to want to be here for me, Chase. You don't need a baby. You’re a hot, single guy with your life in front of you. My little experiment, all the planning, didn't work, so things will go back to the way they were. You can go back to dating all those gorgeous women, and I will go back to my boring old life of lonely weekends, taxes, and the occasional shitty date. Thank you for trying. I've got to go though."
I turned away from his stare, zipped my bag closed, picked up my purse, and left my office, leaving Chase standing there against my desk. There was nothing more to say. I didn't look back. I couldn't. I didn't want to see the joy of him being off the hook, and I didn't want him to know any more than he already did that I was completely crushed.
I took my time walking down the hall and into the lobby where Marie sat. I approached her desk and stopped to hand her a few important documents. "Can you please make sure these get faxed tonight before you leave, and just so you know, Chase is still in my office. He is welcome to stay as long as he needs. Just let him have some time okay."
"Sure thing, Sophie. Have a good night, and I will see you tomorrow."
"You as well."
I drove slowly on my way home, a drive that would normally take me ten minutes taking me twenty. I had never been so happy to walk into the quietness of my condo. Not caring, I left a trail of my belongings all over the floor and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. My heart had been heavy and my head hurt, and now I felt worse because I had walked out on Chase, but I hadn't had a choice. I didn't even know how to handle what I was feeling. I took my water, shut off the light, and made my way to my bedroom.
