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I giggle to myself when I think back to when Icasuallymentioned last week that I wasthinkingabout getting new clothes. She practically jumped into the air while shouting,Hell yeah, let’s go right now!We were standing in the school drop-off lane, ushering kids out of their cars for our required volunteering at our kids’ elementary school. The looks we got from the PTA moms for her outburst left me trying to hide my fit of giggles, only causing more side-eyes to come our way. She has bugged me every day since, but it really was the push I needed to get here.
Now I’m standing in a dressing room full of appropriately sized new T-shirts, leggings, underwear, and sports bras that will actually support the girls. I even picked a few hoodies with no secret zippers for nursing that don’t look like I stole them from my oversized husband.
I grab a pair of leggings from the bench next to where I laid my worn-out and stretched-out leggings, then step into the soft stretchy fabric. They are black, much like mine where when I bought them many years ago, but unlike mine, they lack any stains or visible holes.
These pants are tight to my skin, but surprisingly I don’t feel suffocated like I was worried I would. My hips have taken a new, smoother shape and after checking out my feminine silhouette, I turn to the side and a small smile spreads on my lips as I notice two round mounds back there as well.Hmm.
Immediately filled with guilt for how much joy this is bringing me, I flatten my lips as I turn back to the front and I run my hands over my stomach and down my hips. The front panel of these leggings is above my belly button so it’s holding in my mom pouch with ease and the reinforcement they provide feels like a shield to the outside world. It even has a side pocket for my phone.Score.
Next, I slip on the dark pink T-shirt with the creative pleats that have a slimming effect on my midsection. As absurd as it sounds, this simple T-shirt fills me with a strength my clothes never have, while still prioritizing my comfort.
I swallow a lump in my throat as I take in the put-together woman in the mirror. This woman is also unrecognizable, but instead of seeing a past, I see a future in her I never knew existed.
My phone pings a new text message so I eagerly dig through my purse to find it.
Marco: I’m waiting on the crime scene tech to finish up on a call and then I need to head back to the station to drop off the evidence so I’m going to be about an hour late for lunch. I’ll message you when I’m getting ready to leave.
My stomach sinks as I know there’s a real possibility an hour will turn into a cancellation.
Ellie: Are you sure you can make it? It’s no big deal if you can’t.
I hold my breath as I see the dots jump across the screen. Then I release a sigh of relief and a smile when I read his reply.
Marco: No, it’s a big deal to me and I will make it. Joe knows how important this is and the guys are going to cover anything that comes in.
Ellie: If you’re sure. I’m really excited about this.
Marco: Me too. Ask for double umbrellas in mine if you get there before I do. I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.
Ellie: Will do. I love you too.
“I think I just died right here on this bench! Yup, no pulse.BEEEEP,” Jess yells into the room.
“Oh my god, woman,” I yell back as I blow out an exaggerated breath, followed by a traitorous laugh. “Always one for the dramatics, this lady,” I mumble to myself.
“I heard that!”
I walk out of the dressing room and stand on the podium in front of a full-length mirror. I wait with uncertainty as she gives me a once-over with a twinkle in her eyes.
“Do you like it?” I ask sheepishly.
“Spin around,” she orders.
I spin, feeling a touch self-conscious, but I know I can count on Jess to tell me the truth, good or bad, because she’d never let me look foolish.
She lets out a low whistle and shakes her hands like they’ve caught fire.I guess I look okay.I bite back my smile.
“Doyoulike it?” she asks.
I smooth my hands down my stomach and thighs and bite my lower lip as I think. It’s just a T-shirt and leggings, much like my othermom uniforms, but the difference is obvious. Instead of looking sloppy and frumpy, I look like my clothes were meant for my body, and it’s strange how empowering that feels.
I stand a little straighter as I nod. “I look like I give a shit.”
Her lips twist with a little chuckle. “Good, you should give a shit.”
“I haven’t for years, Jess. My brain saidyou should care,but my body saidno way, girlfriend,and since there was no energy left for that fight, there was no fight to be had between them. Now that all my kids are in school and I have this time to myself, I want to listen to my brain, but even she is saying I’m selfish and I can’t get her to shut it.” I shake my head again as Jess stares at me with telling eyes. “But thank you for coming with me. I needed you here.”
“You know I wouldn’t be anywhere else, girl. I’ve watched you put your family first foryears. I’m glad you finally realize it’s time to redirect some energy into whatyouneed.”
