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CHAPTERTWELVE
If Alexander had known that Caroline was this similar to him, he wouldn’t have made a fool of himself in the first month of their marriage. She was very sweet. So sweet even that he found it hard to believe she would have orchestrated the rumors that led to them getting married in the first place. Perhaps his father had been wrong. Over the past week, they made sure to see each other three times every day. They ate breakfast together, had tea in the afternoon, and then dinner.
They had bonded over the budding romance between their siblings. The way that Caroline spoke of Ann was quite similar to the way he spoke of Colin. In fact, their households were similar in the way that they could joke and play with each other. He was surprised that they had lived together for so long and their similarities did not become obvious. Even if just the way that not speaking to each other had left them both lonely.
He could not say they had fallen in love over night, but they had formed a rapport, one he was enjoying very much. He had now found himself looking forward to his next conversation with her. Just that afternoon, the two of them had received their first social call. It was a visit from one of her mother’s friends, who promised to ensure that Caroline would have a smooth transition into the circles of the married women in society. It was not like Caroline had many friends when she was unmarried, so he doubted that she was interested in making friends with anyone the older woman planned to introduce her to, but they had given their thanks regardless.
The only thing that made the visit somewhat uncomfortable was that the lady had brought up children. The two of them had tensed and exchanged shy glances. They still had not breached the subject of sharing a bed. They were only just learning how to get along, after all. He could not lie to himself though, he wanted her. A purely physical want that was back with a vengeance now that he was on speaking terms with her.
He was always aware of her, and his mind more often than not wandered to very unclean places. He always shook himself to his senses before it became a problem, but it was only a matter of time before they would need to consummate their marriage. He wanted to ask her, but it had only been a week since they were on good terms. What would she think of him?
He sighed and sat at his desk to read the morning paper. He always made it a point to read the paper when it was freshly published, but he wished he had not done so today. Right there at the bottom of the second page, was the announcement of Isabella’s wedding to Lord Westworth. He felt his heart sink into his stomach and wondered if this was how she had felt when she saw the announcement of his own wedding.
He had not spoken to her or seen her since. What happened to her was no longer his business. Yet, his day was ruined. He was plagued by so many emotions he could not understand. A part of him felt guilty that he was thinking of bettering his relationship with Caroline when the woman he claimed to have loved had been in his arms not even two months ago. Another part of him felt anger that she was ending up with an ugly old man who did not deserve her.
He did not have it so bad. Although his was a loveless marriage, at least Caroline was beautiful. She was married off to someone because he had failed her. Beside all that, yet another part of him felt that since he was married and she was married, they had no business with each other, and he should be able to go about his day.
Unable to properly process anything, he ended up slipping into a deep sadness much like he had before he had married Caroline. He forgot that the time was far spent and that he had promised himself not to miss dinner with her. Instead, he drank his fill of whiskey alone in his study.
….
Caroline had not thought that her married life with Alexander could be so lovely. Now that she was spending more time with him, she was finding new things to like. As it turned out, he was quite easy to talk to. He could even be funny. The first time he had told a joke had taken her by surprise, such that he said it hurt his feelings that she did not think he was capable of it. Their relationship had become friendly.
All was well until Lady Silverstein asked them when they would have children. Alexander still had not come to her bed. She wanted to act like she wasn’t thinking about it, but spending more time with him and being friendly, woke up the attraction she felt for him every day. She could not pretend even if she wanted to. Although it had been embarrassing, she had asked her sister for advice. Ann had been crazy enough to suggest that she dress seductively and approach him. She was by no means brave enough for such antics. If he rejected her, she would absolutely die of embarrassment.
Blushing at her train of thought, she covered her face with her hands. She was at the dinner table, but Alexander had not come down yet. A small frown scrunched up her forehead. She had been waiting for over fifteen minutes and she didn’t notice. The maid who had gone to check, came back with a worried expression.
“The Master is in his study, but he’s not responding even though I have been knocking,” the maid said. Caroline was worried now too, so she hurried upstairs.
When she also did not get a response to her knocks, she pushed open the door and found Alexander lying on the chaise lounge, one arm over his eyes, and an almost empty bottle of whiskey on the ground beside his head. He looked like a total mess, and that led her to worry even more. He did not say anything, not even when she walked in, shutting the door behind her.
“Alexander… are you alright? I’m sorry to intrude, but I was waiting at dinner, and you did not come.” She picked up the ruffled paper that was on the floor and smoothed it out. Seeing as he had taken his anger out on it, she assumed that the paper held the news of whatever it was that made him so upset.
Alexander finally acknowledged her presence as she scoured the paper. “I am sorry. I did not mean to miss dinner,” he said, sitting up. She was standing in front of him, but she could smell how much he had been drinking. His shirt was also partially open, giving her a tantalizing view of his collarbone and chest. She looked away, not wanting to be improper.
“That is alright. I’m not upset, I’m merely worried. Whatever happened?” she asked, tentatively taking a seat on the lounge beside him.
Taking the paper from her, Alexander pointed to the page. Caroline leaned in to read. A wedding announcement. She didn’t understand, so she looked back up at him, waiting for him to elaborate.
“Isabella was my lover.” The words were said simply but explained everything. Caroline froze, and the next moment, felt herself crumble. “She ended up in an arranged marriage with an old man for she had no other options.”
“Oh,” she said in a small voice. Emotions she did not understand crashed over her. There was a very bitter curiosity. She had never seen Isabella Levingston before, so she wanted to know what the woman who had been able to occupy Alexander’s heart looked like. There was also pity. She knew how much she hated being forced to marry Alexander. If he had been an ugly old man on top of it all, she would probably still be weeping now.
Seeing Alexander look so lost, she was also filled with guilt. At the end of the day, the reason why his lover had fallen into this predicament was because Caroline had married him.
“I’m sorry, Alexander,” she murmured, looking down at her lap. Alexander laughed bitterly and crumpled up the paper again, tossing it at the wall.
“I should be more sorry. It must not be easy for you, watching your husband agonize over another woman. In fact, it is downright inappropriate and disrespectful. I feel horrible for making you suffer, but I can’t help the way I feel. I am conflicted with emotions.” He ran his hands through his hair, smoothing it back, and showing his watery eyes.
Never had there been a man more beautiful than this one was to Caroline as he bared his heart. She clenched her skirts in guilt as he spoke.
“No, it truly is I who should apologize,” she said. “I denied what you said before about this marriage being a trap for you, but it is true. When I saw how far the rumors had gone, I was confused. It made no sense to me. I confronted my mother back then and she admitted to orchestrating the rumors. She was the one who made them spread so fast. I was horrified and ashamed. I wanted to call off the wedding, but… If I were less proud and simply confessed this to you earlier when you came to propose, then perhaps we could have worked together to stop this marriage.” Somehow, she felt like she had to confess it. It didn’t feel right to stay quiet about it when he was clearly suffering in front of her.
Alexander surprised her by putting a hand on her shoulder. “You shouldn’t apologize. You are not your mother, and you are just as much a victim as I am. I am sorry. All this time, I have punished you for her sins and said countless unkind words I never should have said. You had every right to be upset with me. There is nothing we can do about it now.”
Caroline felt tears come to her eyes. She had not expected him to react like that. She thought he would be angry. Instead, he was kind and understanding. She quickly wiped away her tears before he could notice. He was the one who needed comforting, not her. She squeezed his hand on her shoulder and looked up tentatively.
“Do you… miss her still?” she asked, struggling to keep her voice from shaking. She tried to ready her heart. He was someone who had been in love, so even though she had married him, they had no relationship and even if he missed his previous lover, he had every right to.
