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“How did you really feel?” I murmur.
Unfairly, my thoughts rush ahead.
Please tell me you could never want her, not how you want me.
He’s basically already said that in the office when he told me he’s never felt like this before. A warm glow expands inside of me, even if it’s unfair.
I shouldn’t be rooting against Lola’s dead mom.
Freaking heck.
“I was pretty confused as a young man,” Felix says after a pause.
He walks over to the railing of the pond and stares at the water, sunlight bouncing off it. I join him, standing so close I’m sure I can feel the heat of his body radiating through his shirt.
“You know what happened when I was in my late teens?”
“Yeah,” I murmur. “I’m sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.”
When Felix was nineteen – Lola has told me this several times – both his parents died due to a faulty gas oven in their apartment. Felix was out with his friends, and he found them when he returned.
“But still,” I say.
He glances at me, smiling tightly. “Thanks, Faye. I was old enough to be able to live on my own, but I still didn’t know what I wanted. And then I met Maddie. She was several years older than me. We got on okay. But the truth is, I was just lonely and depressed and didn’t know what to do. I never felt anything for her, not really, not like….”
Not like us.
A strong urge grips me, trying to get me to reach over and softly touch his arm, to tell him that it’s okay.
But this is acceptable. Standing here with my boss isn’t going to hurt Lola if she finds out.
Touching him, comforting him…that would mean crossing a line.
As if we haven’t crossed enough already.
“The day before I was going to break it off with her…I had it all planned, you see. I was scared of her reaction. She could get quite nasty when she was angry. But she was a good mother to Lola, or the best she was capable of being.”
“You found out she was pregnant,” I whisper.
He stares at me hard. “I don’t regret it. I’d never regret Lola.”
“And that’s why you stayed?” I ask.
“I had to,” Felix tells me. “I remember my parents' importance to me, always supporting me in whatever I chose to pursue. I wouldn’t have become a photographer without them. I wanted the same for my kid. There was no way I was going to abandon them.”
“I’m so sorry, Felix. About everything.”
He shakes his head softly. “You’ve had your fair share of heartache too.”
I think of mom, her passing making me shudder. “I guess Lola’s told you what happened?”
“She mentioned it, yeah. A car accident.”
“An icy road.” I sigh, my shoulders feeling heavier. “Sometimes life is just cruel. But you did a great job with Lola, Felix. Look at her. She’s going to be a doctor one day. She’s kind and happy and good…she really is the best person I know.”
“I agree,” Felix says, and we stare at each other.
