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“I’m not.” I take a step toward him. “Why didn’t you tell me that you went back to Glenn’s after we met?”
He holds up a hand to stop me from coming any closer. “All right, if you want to do this, we’ll do it.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “When I went to the escort that night. When I saw you lying on the floor, my job was to get you out of there and to safety. It’s always the same. I’m there to help the victim. Give them the opportunity to get away. But that night, it was different.”
“How?”
“I didn’t want to just help you. I wanted to save you.”
“You did.”
“No. The way you stood up to Glenn and smashed in his face, I realized you didn’t need saving. Like all the rest, you only needed my help to get you out of a bad situation.”
“I needed you, Brett.” I take another step toward him.
“Don’t.” He holds up his hand and takes a step back.
“Okay.” I stop, recognizing his need for space.
“I try not to think about what an abuser has done to his victim.” He goes quiet for a second, and his eyes fall to the ground. “I try to keep it separate from why I’m there. To do the escort, get them safely from point A to point B. I don’t look at them. Not like that but with you, I looked.” His eyes rise to mine. “And I saw all of you, every part. Your strength. Your fierce beauty. Your will to stay in control. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, wondering if you were okay. If you moved on. If you were safe.”
“You’re a good man, Brett.”
“No.” He shakes his head. Lips flatten. Face reddens. “You’ve got me all wrong. I’m not who you think I am.”
“Then who are you? Why did you go to Glenn’s?”
He rubs the back of his neck as if trying to calm the fury within. “I told myself I went there to make sure you hadn’t gone back, but the truth is, I also went there because, as fucked up as it sounds, I wanted to see you again. I hoped you’d be there. And that’s fucking selfish.” His face hardens again. “You think I’m this moral guy who saves women, but what you don’t know is that I don’t just do it for them. I do it for me too. I get gratification from stealing those women from their abusers, just like my father stole my mom from me. And that’s selfish. So you see, I’m not the hero you play me out to be. I’m just a selfish bastard.”
“I don’t believe that. I think you rationalize what you feel. You think there’s something wrong with you because it makes you feel good to take those women from their abusers. There’s not. The gratification you’re feeling is from the act of doing something good. That’s not being selfish. It’s the opposite. It’s humble.”
“And now,” he says, ignoring my words. “The only unselfish thing I can do for you. Is to tell you to leave here because if I ask you to stay, that is selfish. I don’t want to be selfish when it comes to you.”
“Be selfish,” I say, tears welling in my eyes. How could this man think he’s selfish?
“I can’t, not with you.”
His eyes soften as he stands what feels like miles away. I can’t touch him. Hold him. Express the love I feel for him from this distance. He won’t let me. It’s as if he’s punishing himself.
“The only person it will hurt is you. I’m done doing that. It doesn’t matter where you are, if you stay or go, because you will always be here.” He taps his chest. “And I can’t stop,” he says, switching gears.
“What?” It takes me a second to understand. “The escort? You think I’d ask you to do that?” I move toward him, this time making it without him stopping me. “Brett.” I touch his arm and search his cautious eyes. “Do you want me to stay? It’s okay to tell me what you want.”
“Cassie.” He sifts his fingers through my hair. He cradles my head with trembling hands. “I want you to do what is best for you and don’t look back.”
I gaze up at him. Accepting the truth, he’s not going to tell me what he wants. He won’t allow himself to.
He’s pushing me away.
“I’ve already made my decision,” I say, taking in his resolute expression. “I plan to do what is best for me, but I can’t promise you that I’ll never look back because everything that has happened has brought me to you.” I kiss him on the lips, slow and soft like it’s the last one I’ll ever have because it probably is.
I turn around and walk away, feeling the tears burning my eyes and fighting like hell to get out.
“Cassie.” I hear him say my name. My heart halts.
I stop, not turning around. I can’t bear to see him if I can’t have him.
I stand and wait.
“I need to tell you one last truth.”
