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“Your wolf wants out and you need to let her out. You have to get in touch with yourself and what you want. She’s not going to emerge unless you allow her to,” she said.
“But how do I do that? I want to learn how to shift. I want to connect with my wolf.” It was more important than ever now to learn how to shift. I needed to be able to tap into the strength the wolf could give me. Along with my wolf came the ability to see in the dark, healing, increased ability to sense danger, even feel other’s emotions. It would give me a major advantage to being able to keep myself alive.
“You need to stop holding back and fighting against the things you want,” she said. “Discipline is important, but when you deny yourself everything you want, your wolf feels that. There has to be balance. Time to work, time to play. It can’t all be focus all the time. When you shut down your intuition and desires, you also close off your wolf.”
“I don’t do that. I let myself have fun. How do you think I ended up with a hangover?” I asked.
“A few drinks and early to bed isn’t fun,” she said.
I pressed my lips together. I was being judged by a grandmother for not staying out all night to party. “I had an incident with a shifter that made me reconsider.”
“I heard,” she said. “You’re big news around here. Lots of folks were waiting for a reason to send Lucas away. They’re grateful to you for standing up to him and showing his true colors.”
I didn’t feel like I’d really stood up to him. Alec had been the one who dealt the final blow. “So I was supposed to stay out after that?”
“You can do whatever you feel compelled to do, but you have to ask yourself, what is it that you want? What drove you to that situation last night?”
“I don’t know. I thought you were supposed to make out with random people to have fun.” Even as I said it, it sounded stupid.
She gave me a dubious look. “You did not.”
“Fine. I wanted to make out with someone. He was a poor choice.”
“We’re getting warmer,” she said. “You wanted something but you didn’t go after your heart’s desire. You went for a backup. That’s never good. We shouldn’t constantly deny ourselves what we truly want. I get the sense that your whole life has been denial.”
I wasn’t enjoying where this conversation was going. I had spent my whole life doing what I needed to blend in, to survive. My plan was to leave Wolf Creek, go to college, and get a job. All my choices were based on being able to take care of myself. I planned to blend in and pretend to be human forever. In all my thoughts about the future, I never considered what I’d want if I had choices. I just assumed I didn’t. “I’m not even sure I know what I want.”
“You have some thinking to do, then,” she said.
“Yeah, I guess I do,” I said.
Greta stood. “I’d suggest finding somewhere quiet to think. What is it that you want? How can you show your wolf that you’re not going to hold everything back?”
I looked up at her. “I don’t know where to begin.”
“Try having some hard conversations with yourself. You might need to discover who you are outside of Wolf Creek. Who is Lola? What do you love to do? Where do you want to go? How do you want to live? We might get a longer life than humans, but our time here is limited. We shouldn’t waste it.”
Realizing that I’d never once made a decision based on what I wanted was a tough pill to swallow. Greta was right, I didn’t even know who I was. I’d chosen to find a city to run to so there was more crowd to blend in with, but I didn’t even know if I wanted to live a life like that. I was good at math, but I pushed myself to get away from Tyler, who spent his time in art classes. Every choice I made was based on what would keep me safe.
Shit. Who was I?
I stood, feeling numb. “I think I’ll go for a walk.”
“Come see me tomorrow, tell me what you’ve learned,” Greta said.
“Okay.” I wasn’t really paying attention to her as I left the tent. When I’d decided to get help with releasing my wolf, I thought for sure there would be some exercises, guidance, maybe even some magic or something. I didn’t think it would be all up to me.
The common area was packed now, folks sticking to the seating in the shady areas near the trees. The sun was blinding and it was warm enough that I needed to roll up my sleeves.
The thought of simply spending my time trying to connect with myself was terrifying. There wasn’t an itinerary for that. No rules, no schedule, no plans. How was I going to manage that?
Learning about Wolf Creek through the eyes of the feral shifters taught me there was so much I didn’t know. What else was I missing about the world? When I was preparing to leave, I figured I had the skills I needed. Instead, I found out most of what I learned was a lie.
I spent the next hour walking around the makeshift town, taking in the sights of shifters at work or play. One shifter was working on fixing up a car. I stopped to watch him working with the tools under the hood. He was sweating and covered in grease, but he looked determined and seemed to be enjoying the work. I moved on and paid close attention to the tasks all the shifters were completing. Someone was working on a painting, another shifter was knitting while watching a couple of kids play.
All of them looked at ease and comfortable. They had hobbies and seemed content. The problem was that every time I tried to picture myself doing the things they were doing, I cringed internally. I had no interest in knitting or painting or even fixing a car. Though, I did like the idea of having a car so I could come and go as I pleased.
A familiar laugh grabbed my attention and I turned to see Sheila walking hand in hand with the female from last night. She noticed me and waved, then changed direction to walk over to where I was.
