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If Peyton and Poppy were home, I could make them distract me. But Poppy had gymnastics practice, and Peyton was working a shift at Cindy’s Grill. Since my mom and dad had taken her in at the beginning of summer, she’d been working at the popular diner downtown. To someone like Peyton, it was important to her to pay her own way. Dad had tried to argue with her, but he respected her decision to contribute.
I lost track of time as I lay there. But slowly, the tension ebbed away until I was in control again. Three years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to resist. I would’ve slid my fingers into my hair and pulled and pulled until I had clumps of hair tangled in my fingers and bald patches covering my scalp. It was a scary time—to pull your hair and pull and pull—but I’d worked hard with a therapist to get my trich under control.
Trichotillomania.
Better known as hair-pulling disorder.
I’d been diagnosed with trich and anxiety disorder when I was in eighth grade. It wasn’t something that ever went away, but it didn’t control me now like it did back then.
It still created a wall between me and who I wanted to be though.
I didn’t want to be the shy, quiet girl afraid of her own shadow. More than anything, I wanted to step into the light and shine. But my mind was my own worst enemy, whispering things. Reminding me that I wasn’t like most teenagers.
That’s why being in that boat shed with Kaiden, experiencing him looking at me,reallylooking at me, had shifted something inside me. For the first time in forever, I felt normal. I felt what every other girl felt when they had the attention of a cute guy.
And now it was gone.
It was probably better this way though. A guy like Kaiden would be used to girls with experience, girls who knew how to use their bodies to make guys feel good.
I wasn’t that girl.
Maybe I never would be.
* * *
The next morning at school,I sensed it was going to be a bad day when Lindsey and her friends made a point of snickering at me as I walked past them.
“I heard she tried to kiss him then freaked out and cried. So pathetic.”
My spine stiffened.
Had he told them?
“Lil?” Peyton called over her shoulder. I was dawdling and she and Ashleigh were up ahead, but I was still a little restless after yesterday.
“Problem, freak?” Lindsey glared after me.
“Lily?” Ashleigh appeared beside me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I brushed her off. “Come on, let’s go.”
Lindsey and her friends burst out with laughter, their cackles following me into school.
“You know, if she’s causing problems again—”
“It’s fine,” I said, hitching my bag up my shoulder.
“Lily,” Mrs. Bennet peeked out of her office down the hall, “a word.”
“Ugh,” I grumbled. “I guess my dad sold me out.”
“He’s just worried.”
“Yeah,” I slammed my locker a little too forcefully. “Well, I just wish he’d stop. Nothing even happened.”
“Really?” Ashleigh gave me a pointed look. Peyton was across the hall, being pressed up against the locker by Sean.
“Does she even like him?” I mused.
