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“He’ll figure it out.”
“Wow…” I fought a smile.
“What?” Xander took one more hit of his smoke and then stubbed it out on the bench before flicking it into the thicket.
“We managed an entire conversation without things getting weird. I think that’s a first for us.”
“Peyton, I—”
“No, don’t say it. Whatever it is, just don’t. Let me have this, please.”
He regarded me for a second and then released a resigned sigh. “I can do that.”
Xander leaned back against the bench and stared out at the lake. The water glistened in the fading winter sun. It was freezing out here, but I liked the bite of the icy wind. It kept me alert, chasing away some of the nightmares circling my mind.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
His sterling gray eyes flicked to mine. “Depends on what you want to know.”
“Why didn’t you go to college?”
“Going straight for the jugular, huh?” His face was a mask of indifference even if his words were strained.
“You don’t have to answer.” He hadn’t answered Kaiden earlier, so it made sense he probably wouldn’t want to tell me. “I heard what Kaiden said. You were good. Better than good.”
“Have you ever wanted something so much that you can’t think of anything else? It consumes your thoughts. Becomes everything to you. Because you think—no, you know—that if you can just make it happen it will fix everything?”
Xander inhaled a ragged breath. “The thing is though once you get there, once you’re at the top and the thing you wanted so badly is within your grasp, there’s this moment of sheer panic. What if you don’t live up to everyone’s expectations? What if it doesn’t fix you? What if it’s not really what you want?
“Football was my way out. It was my golden ticket out of Rixon, away from all the bad memories. It was a chance for me to escape. And it was right there… so close I could almost taste it.” He dragged a hand down his face, pain rolling off him. I fought the urge to reach for him, to offer him comfort. Because I knew he wouldn’t accept or appreciate it.
“I got drunk two nights before the final game. Totaled my car on the way home and ended up in the hospital with a broken collarbone. It could have been worse. The doctors said had I been going any faster, I probably wouldn’t have made it.”
“Oh my God,” I breathed, the weight of his confession like a stone on my chest.
“I spent the weekend in the hospital while the Raiders played without me. They lost the game, and I lost my friends, my team… my future. Gone, just like that.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, because what else was there to say?
Pain bled from Xander making the air heavy around us.
“I turned down my offers to college after that. Cameron was furious. He didn’t speak to me for almost a month.”
“He wanted more for you?”
“Yeah, but that’s the thing… I realized lying in that hospital bed that I never wanted it for myself. All the years spent practicing and pushing, it wasn’t for me… it was for him. It was for my coaches and the school and the team. I never wanted it, other than for a ticket out of Rixon. Maybe I should have… Maybe I… shit, I don’t know.”
“Do you ever regret it?”
His eyes slid to mine. “I regret a lot of things, yeah. But deep down, I don’t think college would have made me happy. I was chasing a dream that was never mine to begin with.”
“I’m not sure I want to go to college,” I blurted out.
“I’m not sure I’m the right person to give you advice there.” He gave me a pointed look, but there was a hint of a smile on his lips.
I liked it when he smiled. It was rare, something to be coveted. For as foolish as it was, I liked that he gave me his smile. I knew it meant nothing, but it still made me feel special.
“What does Jase and Fee think?”
