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“Oh, okay.”
“I just needed to get out of my head.” I’d needed to think about anything besides Xander, but that had backfired when I’d spotted him across the bar.
God, I still couldn’t believe I’d done that. Accosted him while he was with his friend, and then kissed him like that while we sat in his truck.
I was an idiot, and a glutton for punishment apparently. But sitting there, wrapped in his arms, I’d felt it, the tether between us.
It was there, no matter how much he fought it.
I didn’t want to ever be that girl though, tricking guys into being with me. How pathetic he must have thought I was, throwing myself at him like that.
“Peyton?” Lily’s voice snapped me out of my trance.
“Yeah?” I forced a weak smile.
“Are you sure there’s nothing else?”
She knew.
Of course Lily knew I was keeping something from her. But she probably thought it had to do with my situation, and not her uncle’s brother.
No wonder Xander had no hesitations in stopping me. There was so much at stake, too much. Lily and Ashleigh would never look at me the same if they knew the truth. If they knew how I felt about Xander, if they knew what I wanted from him.
Shame burned through me.
I hadn’t meant for it to happen. To develop these feelings for him. But I had and now I didn’t know how to make them go away.
Because I didn’t look at Xander and see a silly high school crush. I saw a guy who had spent most of his life shielding himself from those around him. I saw a guy who built walls around his heart and vowed to never let anyone inside. I saw a guy with pain in his eyes. A guy with darkness in his heart.
I saw a kindred spirit.
I saw myself.
And in the few moments we’d talked, and opened up to each other, I saw past all that. Whether he knew it or not, Xander had let me in and now I wanted more.
I wanted to know the guy he never let the world see.
I wanted it so badly it hurt.
Tears welled in my eyes and Lily reached for me, pulling me into her arms. “Oh, babe, don’t cry. I’m here. I’m right here, Peyton. It’s going to be okay. I promise, everything will be okay.” She hugged me and I held on tight.
Because in that moment silence was a better answer than all the things I wanted to say and never could.
* * *
“Peyton, wait up.”Sean jogged over to me, his dirty-blond hair falling in and out of his eyes with every step.
“I really need to get to class,” I said, hoping to avoid a scene.
He’d texted me yesterday apologizing for abandoning me at the bar. It wasn’t like I could tell him I got a ride home with Xander, so I’d made up some story about getting a ride with a friend’s family member, knowing it was unlikely he would ever put two and two together.
“Just a minute, yeah?” He gently grabbed my wrist, my eyes immediately going to the spot where his fingers held me.
“Sean…”
“Come on. I said I was sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter. It was a mistake, Sean,” I said, yanking my arm away. “I should never have gone with you.”
