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It chuffed, a soft sound that reminded me I wouldn’t be having any big verbal heart-to-hearts with it.
I reached, but Troy called from me behind me. “Don’t touch it!”
I twisted to stare at him, to see the agony on his face, the fear. His voice came out like a desperate plea. “If I didn’t have that, I could have had a happy life. Don’t you get that? It’s all its fault, everything. Sasha wouldn’t have died because I wouldn’t have been in that world. I could have settled down with her, I could have had children, had the life I wanted.”
I had no idea if my next words would help or not, but what was there to lose at this point? I had to shake Troy loose of this or he wouldn’t ever get out. “You wouldn’t have me either. I’mnothuman, Troy. I’m not mortal. I’m not of that world. If you were, you wouldn’t have been there to help me, to protect me, to fight with me.”
He pressed his lips together as if he knew he couldn’t argue. I wasn’t trying to pit his old mate against me, as if it were one or the other. I was only trying to show that not everything from his wolf side was as horrible as he thought.
“You wouldn’t have had Sasha either. She was your mate, bound to you because of your wolf. Your wolf picked her, in fact, from what you told me.”
He swallowed hard, his throat moving, that same fear consuming his eyes. I turned from him, staring up at his wolf, at the eyes that were familiar yet different. They were brighter, like twin flashlights, but still held a hint of that silver color. It hadn’t moved closer, hadn’t done anything but stare.
The issue of losing Sasha or the fear of losing me wasn’t the real thing that had him stuck, as it turned out. It wasthisbattle. It was him against his wolf, unable to accept a huge part of himself. Perhaps he hadn’t chosen it, hadn’t wanted it, but that didn’t change that his wolf was as much him as his human side, now. They were bound, and if Troy couldn’t accept that, if he couldn’t embrace his wolf, he’d never get out of the abyss.
But how was I supposed to get him to do that? He’d spent the decades since he’d been changed hating himself. It felt like someone trying to convince me that my ass was a benefit after I’d grown up looking in the mirror and trying on pants, cursing the damn thing.
I had to try, though. I reached out, slowly, before setting a hand on the wolf’s furred chest. It reminded me just how large it was, how far up I had to reach. I wondered, if he ever really accepted this part of him, would he look like this? Or was this only the reality of his beast, and he’d always be a combination of the two, even when transformed?
The fur was thicker than when he shifted, and softer. The muscles beneath were hard and entirely still, as if he didn’t move out of fear of losing the touch. Perhaps his wolf was as afraid as he was, sure I’d reject them both. Then again, while the wolf seemed to lack much language, I couldn’t imagine it would be all that confident, given Troy’s feelings.
Maybe what they really needed was couples therapy. I wasn’t sure what sort of masochist would sit down to try and sort out their problems, but I’d pay good money to watch them untangle all the doubt and bullshit between these two.
The wolf rumbled—not a growl, but almost a whine. It was the sound a dog made when wanting to tempt someone closer.
“I’m not afraid of you,” I said, surprised by just how much I meant it. Yes, the beast was terrifying. It was huge, with claws that could disembowel me with ease and teeth that would give a saber-tooth tiger some fears of inadequacy, but that didn’t matter. Then again, Troy had accepted my reaper side, so maybe we had a deeper trust than either of us had realized.
Besides, I knew his wolf. I recalled the times I’d slept with Troy, when near the end those bright eyes would look out at me, when his claws would lengthen, when I’d feel fur against my back. It was never to this extent, and he always tried to hide the slight signs of change, but I still knew I’d been with his wolf this whole time, and it had never hurt me.
I moved in closer, rewarded with its crouching so it was nearer my height. Of course, that brought those massive fangs inches from my face, but I didn’t recoil. Instead, I took my hand and traced the features.
The muzzle, that didn’t appear human at all, the snout, the large, glowing eyes. It looked much more canine, but not entirely. I saw the wolf resemblance far more in this way, the ears that stood tall, the whiskers over the muzzle. When I let go of all my preconceived notions, I had to admit—it was beautiful.
Yes, it was lethal, and monstrous, and not at all human. The arms were longer, the hands much larger, the claws that tipped the fingers sharp and so deep black that they shone. It was everything Troy feared, but that didn’t change that the wolf was as much my mate as the man.
“Did you ever show Sasha this? Did you ever really let her see your wolf?”
Troy, from behind me, spoke softly. “No. I fought it, every step of the way. I left during full moons, kept the lights dark if we were intimate.”
I grinned at his phrasing but let it be. Troy was an old-school gentleman at heart, and even though I’d had sex with him and a vampire at the same time, it seemed we were going to use the term ‘intimate’ when discussing such things.
No jealousy happened, though. How could I be jealous? Him having loved another woman before didn’t change what I had with him.
The wolf made another soft sound, one that screamed exhaustion. Then again, who wouldn’t be tired? It had picked two mates, and both times Troy had done everything he could to keep the wolf from them, to lock it away.
The date made sense, again, and his reaction when I’d suggested we didn’t need it. He’d been trying to put me into the same box he’d done with his old mate, trying to fit us into this perfect mold where we were normal humans, and his wolf could have no part of it.
Which simply wasn’t the truth.
I stepped closer, until I was nearly enveloped by the wolf’s large body, its heat warming me. It smelled of the forest, the things I had smelled from Troy, but stronger. It made a soft noise deep in its chest, as if reassuring me.
Which I understood. I was closing in on something that could kill me in moments, something used to everything being terrified of it, and it wanted to make me feel safe.
I slid both my hands over its shoulders, over the massive expanse of its chest, up its neck, taking in the entirely foreign shape of its body.Thiswas my mate.
It was as instinctual as when Troy had bitten me, a connection that went so much deeper than I knew existed. Troy might see himself and his wolf as different—and clearly they were—but they were also part of the same being and they were both my mate. I couldn’t separate them, couldn’t love or want one without the other.
I dug my fingers into it and crossed the last scant inches of distance, burying my face against its neck, breathing it in, nuzzling against the softness of its fur. The noise it made was full of contentment, and those long arms came back around me, possessive and hungry, as if it had been waiting for this the entire time.
