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“I’m not ready, Em. I’m just not ready to talk about how I feel. This was all a massive shock to me. What you did and what I did and what we did together? It’s too much to process all at once. I mean, have you been thinking about all that before?” I hadn’t. Not in a concrete, tangible way.
“Yes,” she said, popping a grape in her mouth.
“Okay, are you going to elaborate?” I asked, when she didn’t add anything else.
“No,” she said. “I don’t think you’re ready for that.” I set down the two “fun size” (bullshit) candy bars that I’d been about to nom on and gave her my full attention.
“Ready for what?” My stomach knotted up a little, realizing that our friendship had completely changed and there was nothing we could do to put Pandora back in her box.
“That’s because we were never talking aboutthis.”
“And what is this?” I gestured between us.
“I don’t know,” she said, after the longest pause in history.
“I don’t either, but you’ve definitely thought about this longer than I have. That’s pretty clear.” Just how long? And why hadn’t she said anything until tonight?
“It’s complicated, Callyn. So complicated.” She sealed her lips shut, as if she was blocking the tide of words that were going to spill out of she let them.
“Just talk to me. Tell me.”
I reached out and took her hand, squeezing it. For some reason that action felt different now. Everything was different.
She made a sniffing noise and ducked her head.
“Hey, don’t cry,” I said, shoving the snacks aside so I could pull her into my arms. “There’s no reason to cry, Em. You can tell me anything.”
“I don’t know if I can tell you this. I don’t want to wreck everything.” I patted her back and held her as tight as I could.
“You’re not going to wreck everything.” I mean, if having sex had wrecked anything, the damage was already done. But our relationship had been through so much already. We’d crossed time and distance away and we were still together. I couldn’t foresee a future that Emma wasn’t in. She was home for me, and I think it was the same for her. That didn’t go away overnight.
“I’m scared,” she said, and that was the root of things. She was scared that she was going to lose me, but that wasn’t possible.
“You can never lose me, Emma. You are literally stuck with me forever. I’m not going anywhere. You’re my go home.”
“I’m scared it’s going to change everything.” I pulled back so she could look at me.
“Emma. You literally had your mouth on my junk. Everything has already changed. Now we have to make sense of it and the first thing to do is for you to talk to me.” She sighed and reached for a tissue from her nightstand.
“I know. I know. And I’m sorry for being so weird now. Things were different when we were naked and I was making you scream.” Chills broke out on my skin when I thought about all the ways she’d made me scream.
“Mmm, that was pretty good. But we need to talk about the stuff that happened before and after the screaming.” Emma shredded a few tissues in her hand.
“I’ve been in love with you for our whole lives, Callyn. Both as a friend and as something else. I was in love with you before I even knew what that meant. I’ve . . . I’ve been holding onto this because I thought I would grow out of it, or I thought it would change, or I thought it would ruin what we had. I knew you didn’t feel that way about me. Trust me, I looked for signs. I would have given anything for a sign from you that you felt the same way.”
I was about ready to slide off the bed.
“Youloveme? As something other than a friend? Like, the sex was about you being sexually attracted to me? And you’re romantically attracted to me too?” My voice squeaked because I was pretty much flipping out. You might as well have told me that the planet was actually called Xeron and the ocean was full of orange juice.
Emma shook her head at me.
“Callyn, you useless lesbian. I’m attracted to you in every way you can be attracted to another person.” She laughed a little as I gaped at her.
“What is even happening right now? Youloveme?” I was losing my mind. This couldn’t be real life.
“Yes, I love you. I’ve been in love with you forever. You just never noticed.” There was no way I could be that dense. No way.
“You never said anything!” I screeched, throwing my hands in the air.
