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“I didn’t want you to know!” she yelled back.
“What the fuck!” I screamed, and then I started laughing because this whole thing was beyond ridiculous.
“I don’t know!” Now we were both yelling, and Vegas had started barking to join the mayhem.
“You love me?” I asked again, in a softer voice.
“Yeah, I do. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t. I don’t know how to not love you, Cal.” She leaned close and I dove deep into her eyes to see the absolute truth in them.
“That’s a double negative,” I said. “But I get what you mean. I think . . . I don’t even know. I really don’t.” Was I in love with her? Surely not. I couldn’t wrap my head around that concept. Of course I loved her as a friend, but that was it, right? I didn’t love her all the other ways.
“It’s okay. This is why I didn’t want to tell you, because I knew it would freak you out and then I thought you might go running for the hills. We can’t stay friends if one of us is in love with the other one. I could never lose you, Callyn. Never. That would destroy me and I’d never recover.” Uh, same. Needing to do something with my hands, I started pulling grapes off the stems and then popping them in my mouth. I didn’t even really like grapes, but it didn’t matter.
“I’m not freaking out,” I said, but then I realized I was squishing grapes with my hands.
“I think you’re freaking out a little bit,” Emma said, as she took the squished grapes out of my hands and then wiped them off with more tissues.
“Okay, fine. I’m freaking out. But only because I feel like everything I knew is wrong and now I have to readjust my entire fucking perception. And that’s a lot.” I was doing the exact thing she’d worried about me doing, thus proving her right.
“I’ve tried to tell you, so many times. So many damn times.” She took the rest of the grapes away from me so I wouldn’t massacre them too.
“And what stopped you?” I asked.
“This.” She gestured between us. Right. She did have a point.
“But it must have been killing you all these years to hold that secret, my god, Emma.” That made me want to cry. She was keeping this enormous secret from me for our whole lives and had to deal with that every day.
“It wasn’t easy. It hasn't been easy.”
“You hid it so well.” She rolled her eyes.
“Not well enough, I’m pretty sure all of our friends know. Actually, they definitely know.” Andtheynever said anything either? I really was a useless lesbian.
“Everything I knew is wrong,” I said, and I started laughing again until I couldn’t stop. I started choking on my own saliva and then it was all over after that.
Emma handed me one of the seltzer waters and I gulped it down before burping a few times.
“Sorry. I have no idea why you love me, I'm such a mess.” Right after I said that, I slopped some seltzer water on myself. Emma patted me dry.
“You’re a little bit of a mess. But you’re my mess. Always have been. I don’t mind a little mess. I think I need it to shake me up. Do you have any idea what my life would be like without you?”
“Cleaner?” I asked, brushing some crumbs off the bed and onto the floor.
“No. Boring. Colorless. Way too controlled. You’re my surprise. You’re my pizzazz. You’re the sun hanging in the sky.” Her words created a lump in my throat and I had to hold back tears.
“That’s an awfully nice thing to say,” I said, sniffing. Now it was my turn for tissues. Emma handed me the box and I blotted at the corners of my eyes.
“It’s true. I don’t know what shape my life would have been without you and I don’t like thinking about it.” Agreed. Emma had always been present, even when she was miles away, or we hadn’t talked in weeks. I’d hear her voice in the back of my mind, I’d write down lists of jokes and other things I wanted to tell her and then I’d send these long emails and messages that I know she read every word of because she would send similar long emails back. Emma was knit completely and totally into my life and she always would be.
“I just love you, Callyn. Always have, always will.” Now I was crying again. What a night this had been. It was beyond late and Vegas had passed out again and I needed to go to work tomorrow, but none of those other things mattered.
“I love you. I’m not sure what that means right now. Can I take some time and figure it out?” I asked. She nodded and rubbed my arm.
“Yeah, you can. Just keep talking to me and asking any questions. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you until now. Until I had to.”
I laughed. “Yeah, the sex kind of made this conversation inevitable. Speaking of that, it was really good right? I mean, holy shit. You are good at sex and we are good at sex together.” That made her blush and giggle. She was so damn cute.
“Yeah, it was pretty awesome. But we probably shouldn’t do it again until you figure out your feelings, right? And then there’s the whole fact that we’re married.” Oh, shit, I had completely forgotten about that part. It was kind of hilarious when you thought about it.
