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Emma and I stared at each other for seconds that felt like years. Like eternity. Something shifted between us and I couldn’t even breathe. I had forgotten how, and it didn’t seem important in this moment. I nearly swallowed my tongue when the sound of the smoke alarm startled both of us.
“Shit,” Emma said, ripping the smoking pan of chicken off the stove and throwing it into the sink before running to the smoke detector with a dish towel and waving it until the beeping stopped. Vegas decided to join the mayhem and howl, so I picked him up to comfort him and then open a window to get the scent of burned chicken and burned shrimp out of the apartment.
“We’re going to get evicted,” I said, as I came back into the kitchen to find Emma scraping the chicken into the trash. “Order pizza?” I suggested, setting Vegas down. He was still barking, but it wasn’t as loud.
“Vegas, chill out,” I said, and he looked at me with confusion. “The barking is not helping. See, it’s okay now.” The smell of burned things was starting to dissipate as Emma leaned on the counter.
“This is exactly what I was hoping to avoid. I never should have kissed you and started this. I should have left things alone.” I went to her and pulled her into my arms. Her hair smelled like burned chicken. Mine probably smelled like burned shrimp. At least I wasn’t the only one who had screwed up dinner. I was still starving, but comforting Emma was more important right now.
“To be fair, I kissed you back. I’m not really sure how the sex started, but it did start and I wanted it. I just don’t know what that means. Does it mean that my feelings for you are more than platonic? Does it mean I just really needed to get laid? I don’t know, Emma. I need to figure it out and I don’t know how to do that. I even looked at some self-help books at the library today, but they were way too heterosexual.” I pulled back and made a face and she laughed. She was crying again too.
“Everything is way too heterosexual.”
“True.”
We stared at each other again and it was as if the earth had taken a breath and decided to pause on its axis to give us this chance to look at each other.
“Let’s order pizza and just be us. Let’s be Callyn and Emma again,” I said, running my fingers through her hair and wiping her tears with my fingers. She sniffed.
“What does that mean?”
“Let’s find out.” The only way out was through, and we were going to get through this. We’d already walked through fire together, our hands clasped tight to one another. This was an obstacle we could overcome.
At least that was what I was going to keep telling myself.
Twelve
We did end up orderingpizza, but we also finished making the kale salads so at least we didn’t have to order those.
“Who knew that potatoes would be good on pizza?” I asked, as I went for my third piece. The toppings also included scallions, bacon, and ranch dressing. Don’t knock it until you try it.
“These people did, that’s for sure,” Emma said. We had a trashy reality show on that we’d seen already, but still loved to watch and mock and enjoy.
Vegas was asleep again. He seemed to only have two settings and I wondered if that would change as he got older. I kind of hoped that it didn’t, but we weren’t sure how big he was going to get, and I couldn’t imagine his energy inside a bigger dog. Right now he was just atinymenace.
Emma picked at her salad and I could tell she was having difficulty with trying to be how we used to be. It would take practice and I didn’t want to leave her hanging either. I was going to figure this shit out. I watched her eat her pizza and asked myself if I was in love with her and it was like my brain made a popping noise and broke. Like thinking about her was too much for me to handle and I overloaded every time I tried. Maybe writing it down would work? I was going to try that when I was alone in bed tonight.
