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“Mama, I’d really rather not talk about this right now.”
“Because you know I’m right.”
“Because you’re one to talk about not being a priority,” Devon countered, anger getting the best of her.
“I speak from experience. Oh, honey, don’t you see? All of this is why I don’t want you following in my footsteps.”
“I’m not.”
“You are if you marry someone who will always expect you to be the one to sacrifice. You think you won’t become me, but stepping into Ted’s shadow is doing just that.”
Devon didn’t speak. Couldn’t find the words to counter her mother’s argument.
“I’ve done you and Dara a grave disservice all of these years because I’ve made you afraid to love.”
“I think you’re exaggerating, Mama. I love Ted,” Devon said, knowing she sounded defensive but unable to help it. Why was everyone so critical of her relationship with him? Why were they trying to ruin things for her?
“Caring for someone and loving them are two entirely different things.”
Devon felt flushed from the upset coursing through her, but given all that her mother had been through, she knew she couldn’t truly speak her mind.
“For far too many years, I didn’t have love, Devon. I have been so lonely, no matter how many things I did to fill the void. Is that the life you want?”
“Isn’t that love? Isn’t compromise the key to every relationship?”
“Not when one person does all of the compromising. Devon, I loved your father to his dying day, but I should’ve ended our relationship years ago when he refused counseling, refused to give up his lovers.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I didn’t love or believe in myself enough to protect us when I should have. Because I thought if I stayed, it would get better, but it didn’t. You already know what lies ahead of you. Are you so willing to throw away your dreams?”
In an instant her mind flashed a comparison between Oz and Ted. How, to be a politician’s wife, she’d lose that chunk of her identity entirely, whereas Oz—
She gulped the tea, burning her tongue in the process. Her eyes teared as a result. “Oz and Ted aren’t interchangeable, Mama.”
“No, they’re not. But he still loves you and I know you love him, too. Devon, just think about it. Think about what you’re giving up in a world where few people get happy endings.”
Devon opened her mouth but couldn’t come up with another defense. She didn’t have one.
Her mother’s argument was surprisingly concrete and left Devon struggling.
With Oz… When she was with him, she found herself lowering her guard even as she reeled from fear. Fear that it would become too much. That if she let herself love him again, one day she’d wake up and discover he’d—
Act like her father? Leave her?
And then she really would be her mother. Devastated. Unable to cope. Lost. Because she knew just how devastated she’d been when Oz hadn’t followed her to New York. She’d ached for him to come to her. To realize how important it was for her to take the internship.
But he hadn’t. And it had taken ten long years for that ache to lessen to the point of being bearable. To let Ted in.
But was that it?
Was she afraid of giving up control? Afraid of really, truly, loving someone?
Look what happens when you do, she thought, staring at her mother.
Upset settled deep in her stomach. She wasn’t the type to back down from a challenge. She wasn’t.
But wasn’t that what she planned to do? Choose the safer man—just to keep her heart from breaking so badly again?
