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Sam looked at him begrudgingly but didn’t argue.
“I told you all this, in hopes that you would stay away from me, and I would retain this wall I’ve built around myself. To protect everyone else from me.” John raked his hand through his hair. “What I did not realize was how much I started to crave your company. Your attention. Your smile. I started wanting to spend every available second with you. All my troubles disappeared when I was with you. I’ve finally started living again, and more importantly, enjoying life. I felt the peace and innocence of the world through you, and I didn’t want to let it go. Even in my sleep.”
He turned away from her, looking out the window. His gaze took on a faraway look. “I thought if I held on to you tightly in my sleep, you’d chase away the nightmares too.” He looked at her then. “I was a fool.”
Sam chewed on her lower lip, unable to utter a word. She swallowed a growing lump in her throat and chafed her hands against her upper arms. She was getting cold, but she suspected the cool room temperature was not the reason.
“I just put all the burdens on your shoulders and it’s not fair,” John continued. “I started disregarding the safety measures with you, sleeping with you through the night, being rough with you in bed, letting my moods affect you. I just did what I wanted, pretending that nothing would happen to you. I thought,nothing can happen to my Angel.God, I was so selfish.” He shook his head.
“You wereneverrough with me, John. And the… the incident wasn’t just your fault. I made you stay with me at night.” Sam finally found her voice.
“That’s just it, Sam. You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to. You had no idea what you were dealing with, while I did. I thought to myself, if we both want it, then it’s all right, consequences be damned. And then the consequences came.” He smiled sadly. “And you paid the price.”
“John, I understand—”
“No, Sam!” He turned away and started pacing the floor again. “You really don’t understand. You don’t know what it feels like to kill. To feel the light go out in the eyes of the person you’ve murdered. You don’t know what it feels like to crush and ruin everything around you. But that is not even the most frightening part. The most frightening part is to realize you’ve hurt someone you love so much and it could have been worse. I can’t sleep, Sam! I haven’t slept ever since that night, because every time I close my eyes, I see your face… Your horror-filled eyes the moment you realized what was happening.”
John closed his eyes and Sam saw a tear trickling down his cheek. “You don’t understand the agony of waking up in a cold sweat because you’re afraid you did it again. It feels like losing your mind. You don’t understand, and it’s probably for the best. But I can’t—No, I shan’t put you in danger like that again.”
John’s voice had grown hoarse by the time he finished his recitation, and he swallowed. Tears streamed down his face.
Sam slowly walked to her husband and put a hand against his cheek. John closed his eyes and covered her hand with his.
“I know you needed me when I left you, but I just fell apart. I couldn’t be around you then, I would have made everything worse. So, no, Sam. This is not an apology. I shall not ask for your forgiveness. I’ve failed you too many times for that to be possible.”
“All right.” Sam withdrew her hand and nodded. “Where does it leave us then?”
John took a deep breath and wiped at his cheeks. “Right back where we started. Except with me trying as hard as I can to keep you happy.”
“What about your moods and nightmares?”
John heaved a sigh. “I am not alone on this, you know. I have you and when it’s something too gruesome for me to share with you, I have Christopher and the other soldiers to rely upon.”
Sam cast him a curious glance. This was the first time he’d ever voluntarily admitted he needed help and he was willing to reach out to get it.
“I can’t promise I’ll be a good father, I don’t know how to be that yet. I shan’t promise you to be the perfect husband. But I shall try hard to be what you deserve. I can’t promise you I shan’t be violent in my sleep, so we’ll have to go back to the previous arrangement where we sleep separately. But I promise I’ll be the last thing you see before you fall asleep and the first thing you see when you wake up. And I can’t promise you to be carefree and worry-free all the time. But with you, I almost feel innocent again. It’s not going to be easy, Angel. I can promise you that also.”
“I don’t want easy,” she whispered, standing on her tiptoes and placing a kiss on his cheek. “I want real. I want you, and I want our messy little family.”
John laughed and lowered his lips to hers. He kissed her softly, slowly, then he picked her up in his arms and lowered her on the bed. He then settled next to her.
“Will you take me home with you now?” Sam asked. “I love my family, I truly do, but they are suffocating me with their patronizing.”
John laughed. “I will,” he said and placed a soft kiss on top of her head. “And if it makes you feel any better, I did get to punch Gage in the face.”
“You did?” Sam turned to look at John, her eyes wide. “How are you still alive?”
“I am a soldier.” John looked offended. Then he hugged Sam closer and whispered into her hair, “Your sister might have saved me.”
Sam laughed, settling comfortably against John’s chest. John hugged her close to him, putting his hand against her abdomen. It felt warm and reassuring.
“Does the babe move yet?” he asked.
Sam let out a short laugh. “No, love. It’s too early.”
“Mm.” John rubbed her abdomen in soothing circles, and Sam felt herself relaxing even more.
“John?”
