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John was taken aback by the change in subject. He turned to her, propping one shoulder against the windowpane.
“He was the one who called me his Angel. He said I kept him safe with my constant scribblings. That I saved him with my letters.”
“He was right.”
Sam shook her head. “I didn’t save him in the end, did I?”
John chewed on his lip in thought before answering. “That’s not how you saved him,” he finally said.
She looked up at him in question.
“Sam, the war… you don’t know what it’s like. The death, the mayhem, the blood. Sometimes during a battle, you see so many of your friends die… It’s impossible to describe with words. But having someone who cares for you, who worries over you and writes to you daily—it takes a lot of weight off your shoulders. When soldiers read the letters from their loved ones, they get transported back home for a short while. And that is how you saved him. That’s how you saved me too.”
Sam stood and walked toward him until she stood toe to toe with him. “Will you talk to me about the war?”
He shook his head. “No Angel, don’t even ask. I shan’t. It’s too gruesome, too horrible for your innocent soul.”
“How am I ever supposed to understand you?”
“You aren’t. Sam… This marriage. It was a mistake.”
Her eyes grew wide, and her mouth opened in astonishment.
“I shouldn’t have condemned you to a life with me. I am a brute, a rude, rough soldier. There is not an ounce of gentleness in me, and you deserve so much better. I rationalized to myself that since I ruined you, it was the right thing to do to offer you my hand in marriage, but I’ve been selfish.”
“No!” Sam exclaimed suddenly. “You weren’t selfish then, but you are being selfish now. Will you ever try to listen to my side of things? To hear my opinions? Why do only your thoughts and feelings matter?”
“They don’t. But you don’t know the full truth—”
“Of course, I don’t know the full truth!” Sam cried. “Because you won’t tell me. I am tired of being the only one who works on this marriage. It seems like the only solution you ever come up with is to give up and run away!”
“I am thinking of you and only of you.”
“Well, cease! Stop thinking and try listening.Imiss you! I amlonelyin this drafty old house. I am always alone, whether I wake up or fall asleep. I tried to fix it with our luncheons, and I loved our evenings together. But you…” She shook her head. “We live like strangers and you seem to prefer it that way.”
He ran his hand through his hair and spoke without looking at her. “We spend a lot more time together than most couples do. I know you probably think you want me around, but you don’t. I have issues, Sam. Deep issues and I need to take care of them on my own.”
“Why?” She looked up at him, her gaze full of hope and sorrow.
“Because I don’t want to hurt you.”
“John.” Her voice was gentle as she looked straight into his eyes. “Do you remember that talk we had in the library, just after we got married? The time you said you didn’t know how to be a husband?” She waited for an answer, so he nodded.
“Well, I don’t know how to be a wife either,” she said quietly then took his hands in hers. She brushed her thumbs over his knuckles and regarded him intently. “But I know how to be a good friend. You and me, we were friends first, remember?”
He nodded again under her inscrutable gaze.
“Why don’t we start with that? Isabel told me once that friendship is a partnership. It is not this one-sided thing, where a husband takes care of his wife and protects her from harsh reality. Friends share their worries and troubles with each other. Why don’t you help me lift your burdens for you?”
“I don’t know if I can do that, Sam.” John shook his head. He untangled his hands from hers and turned away. “I have too many demons inside of me, I can’t share all of them without dragging you down with me.”
“How about you let me decide that for myself?” She came up behind him, and he turned to face her before his reflexes got the better of him. “Half-hour lunches and occasional one-hour reading sessions are not enough, John. I want to spend nights with you. Wake up next to you…” She looked at him, all wide-eyed innocence full of hope, and he didn’t have the heart to deny her. He turned his face away before he gave in to an irrational impulse.
“You don’t know what you are asking for,” he said gruffly.
“Very well,” she conceded quickly, too quickly. He didn’t believe for a second that she’d back away that easily. “How about we spend more time during the day then? We can start with morning rides and breakfast.”
She stood too close to him; he couldn’t concentrate with her warm body almost pressed up against him. Her warm breath wafted around his neck; her scent muddled his senses. Suddenly, he wasn’t interested in talking anymore.
