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* * *
John sat quietly in his study, blankly staring at the wall. He had arrived in London a few days ago with Mrs. Godfrey and her daughters, helped them find a governess, paid for their new wardrobes, and kept himself as busy as he could. Now, as the errands were done, he felt lost, aching, frightened.
He couldn’t find a hole to hide in anymore. He was worried about Sam, about his unborn child. What was Sam doing now? Was she eating well, was she avoiding horse riding? Was she dressed warmly enough?
The questions and thoughts just would not go away. The nightmares had intensified. Now, when he saw the face of someone he’d killed, of someone bloodied and dying, he always saw her. His angel, dying by his own hands. He couldn’t let it happen. If staying away from her meant he was keeping her safe, so be it. Nothing good had come from their marriage for her. He’d only brought her pain and misery.
He had taken her away from the bosom of her adoring family, brought her halfway across England to a crumbling estate, and then left her there alone to take care of home renovations. But ignoring her had turned out to be the best thing he had ever done, because after they started sharing their days and nights, when he finally felt happy and content, the worst had happened.
So, what now?
A knock sounded at the door like an answer to his question. Hope lit his eyes, and he whipped his head in the direction of the closed door. Was it her? Had she come for him?
Mrs. Godfrey’s apologetic face appeared instead.
“Mrs. Godfrey. Do come in,” he said dryly. “Is everything all right? Do you need anything else?”
“No,” she said with a smile. “I hoped we could have a conversation.”
John nodded, although the conversation was the last thing he wanted.
Mrs. Godfrey settled slowly in the chair opposite his. “My Lord,” she started slowly. “My girls and I appreciate all that you’ve done for us very much. We never expected to be cared for by my husband’s family. I know it should have been so, but your father… Well, you know he never regarded my girls as family.”
“Can I be honest with you?” John tilted his head to the side.
“Of course.”
“I hadn’t even thought about contacting you. I know I should have, and I feel ashamed that I didn’t do it earlier. But it was my wife. She was the one who insisted upon finding you.”
To his surprise, Mrs. Godfrey just smiled in answer. “Lady Ashbury has a beautiful soul. It is on her behalf I came here right now.”
“What do you mean?” John leaned forward. Had she contacted them?
Mrs. Godfrey cleared her throat uncomfortably. “I just mean that she needs you now. With her. You left her vulnerable and alone and it is not fair to her.”
John shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Perhaps not,” she said thoughtfully. “But when things grew hard, when I had trouble with my girls, or when we were scraping pennies after Jeremy’s passing… My first thought was always that I wished he was with us. I didn’t need his money, nor his physical strength. I just needed to feel his presence. If Lady Ashbury is suffering as much as you, I dare say she is wishing for the same.”
John stared ahead, his gaze glassy. Maybe Mrs. Godfrey was right, and Sam did need him. But he doubted he would be any kind of help to her. Not in the state he was in at the moment. Perhaps not ever. If he ever could be relied upon for his family, things needed to change. Within him.
* * *
Carrie squealed in glee as Christopher tossed her lightly in the air and then caught her against his chest.
“Don’t you worry you won’t be able to catch her?” John said as he neared the playing father and daughter.
“Mo’! Mo’!” Carrie chanted, bouncing in Chris’s arm.
“I wouldn’t do it if I weren’t sure I could catch her,” Chris replied evenly.
He took the babe by the armpits with his one arm and lightly threw her up in the air again. Carrie giggled as she landed against her father’s chest and he hugged her to him.
“Run along to your Mama,” Chris said to his daughter as he sat her down on the ground. Carrie happily scurried away. “What brings you back, sir? I heard you’d left for London,” he addressed John as Carrie disappeared inside the house.
“I did. But now I am back.” John shrugged. “I came back this morning and found the estate empty.”
Christopher nodded. “Lady Ashbury left with her family, shortly after you left.”
